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you are not f-ing up - you are doing the best you can with the resources you have at your disposal. sounds like you are going through a lot between stuff with your h and trying to find a better match in a therapist. this is hard stuff - if it were'nt we would not be on this board. you have nothing to beat yourself up over and if you keep pushing on you will get through this.
is there anyway you can take a time out and go for a walk. think about what you would say to a friend who is going through this. think about all the compassion and empathy you would show them? can you go to a playground where little children are playing and realize that as frustrated as you are with yourself right now you were once little and would NEVER tell them that they are bad and deserve to hate themselves.
i am going through not hating that child within right now. realizing that she was afraid and did the best she could. when i want to cut i think about hurting her and blaming her for things she did not do. i know that sounds like a lot but you are doing the best you can right now.
please find a way to be gentle to yourself for at least 5 minutes. you are reacting to the situation and in time you will learn to act in a more effective way. but for now...be gentle...there is a lot going on...
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