Seeker, I'm not sure what to say. At some point you have to just let go. In a moment of some clarity you will see him in the whole. Not good or evil but like all of us a mix of both. There is the man you feel for and the one who now revolts you. they are the same. There will come a time of forgiving. by forgiving him you are also forgiving yourself. I know that sounds rather new age gibberish But there is some truth to it.