bayoumagnolia, others here can give you advice on how to get him to realize this, i am no expert, but, i did live with a very sick man who sucked the life blood out of me. it was very unhealthy and i was run ragged and abused in so many ways by him.
we went to a very well known counselor, psychiatrist, who now is a life coach. She told me there is a lot of dark stuff behind him and she was worried about me. she tried so hard to help him but could not, and this is pretty common among those who choose to deny it and he did vehemenantly. If your hubby is willing to go and get help then good for you guys.