Today was so hard. I did feel really anxious when I went in, but we managed to get right to work. I asked him to sit in his chair instead of on the couch, because I knew I wanted to lay down on my tummy. So he did, and I did.

We talked about me not feeling loved, and feeling like I don't DESERVE to be loved. Like I am totally, and completely, and utterly unlovable. Ugh, it was the most painful session - more painful than anything we have talked about, and that's saying something. We talked a lot about my H. And I told T that I don't believe that T loves me either. I just DON'T. I just CAN'T.

T talked about it being a choice...whether or not to believe someone loves me...and I didn't like it at all. I told him it made me feel invalidated, and like I'm doing something wrong. I WANT to feel loved. I just can't. So we wondered about why I push love away, and I'm still mulling that over.

I told him I wish I were like my kids. My oldest is this giant goofball - he is like 5'8" and weighs 150 pounds - he is HUGE next to me - and when we watch TV, he sprawls out on the couch with his head on my lap and reaches up and holds my hand. My kids are so comfortable being loved. I want to feel that.

T came and sat with me and held my hands and asked me to let myself feel and believe for ONE minute that he loves me. I did try. I really tried. I think I felt it for a few seconds, and then I just couldn't hold on to it. He told me that when I was driving home, he wanted me to do the same thing with my H...to let myself believe and feel for one minute that H really loves me. I did try.

I was so sad when I left because I felt just as bad as I did when I went in. Maybe worse. My sessions always run right up until the hour, and I just couldn't stand the pain anymore and ended the session myself at 50 minutes. When I writing the check, I couldn't even remember T's name or how much therapy costs - he had to talk me through it and proofread it for me.

Before I left, he gave me the HUGEST hug. He just completely wrapped me up and enveloped me. I knew I was supposed to feel loved and I tried to let it in. Blah.

Sometimes it's all just too painful. It just HURTS.

I left T a message and told him I was afraid he would think I am being selfish. I KNOW that the most important thing is that I love other people, and I DO. That's what I'm really good at. I know for a fact that my kids and H and my kids friends and my friends do feel really loved by me. Maybe I should just be satisfied with that.

I hate how painful this is.