((((((Oh, Tree)))))) It sounds to me like you worked very hard. You are taking huge risks in the room with t. Do you realize where you are? You may be on this painful plateau, but this plateau is 1000 feet in the air. Its painful, its sad, it makes you feel like what could be blocking you? You see your kids letting in love without a second thought...and your h...and your kid's friends...and your friends..its painful. Did you talk about the fear with t? About what is scary about letting love in? Is it that you will be abandoned once you let it in? It is waaaaay to dangerous b/c people will just leave. T will go when you are healthy enough to go, your H will not love you the moment you let his love in, your friends will let you down and not love you if you dont constantly give to them, whatever it is....is it fear of being left/abandoned?

Im saying that b/c it is at the bottom of pretty much everything for me so I thought Id take a shot at maybe that is how you feel, too. Its not just painful- Im talking about me now and maybe for you too...it is built so deeply into who I am and how I structure my relationships that just forcing myself to let love in feels like a losing battle. Because there is another reason- it is fear. I cant force leting myself to feel love until I feel the fear and let it go....let go and take the risk of losing everything and everyone and being abandoned. Its a HUGE risk. Am I willing to take it? Am I willing to feel it? Maybe not right now Im really not. I cannot take that leap of faith. I need to first figure out HOW to let go of the fear and then slowly, slowly, slowly let it go.

The time of childhood is over when the unconditional love should have been there, and so now we are afraid of unconditional love. It wasnt there and now we know we can be abandoned. How to trust again? How to let go of fear?

I love you Tree.....and Im right there with you....and I love you......