I wish I knew what the fear is.

I think part of it is...cognitive dissonance (? I think that's what its called). Like, if someone loves me, then I am lovable, and that is something I cannot accept or understand. It completely shakes up my view of myself and the world. I can't wrap my mind around it...and I feel that at the very CENTER of me is the feeling of being unlovable...I don't even know how to let it go, and if I did, what would take it's place? It's too big for me to imagine.

T and I talked some today about the fact that when I was little, if my mom had a moment when she wanted to take care of me, I would NOT let her. Because I couldn't let down my guard...if I let her in, she would turn around and hurt me for SURE. It was easier to not expect or want anything. I think I am so scared of being loved because it makes me vulnerable. I feel like I need to protect myself.

More than anything, though, it's the unlovable thing. Like, it feels almost embarrassing to let myself believe that someone could love me...like I would be believing a lie, and people would be laughing at me behind my back.

Ugh.