As many of you know, for a variety of reasons, I relinquished my son for adoption at birth. We have been chatting via email for several years now and I am actually going to get to see him around Christmas. I have hoped and prayed and waited for that since the day I left the hospital without him.

It was bad enough a few months ago when I found out that his biodonor's parents had taken it upon themselves to introduce themselves to C's a-parents (they live nearby, and biodonor's mom -- who, for many years, I had considered a very good friend -- ran into C's a-mom in the bathroom at one of his shows [he's a musician]). These are people who never wanted a damn thing to do with him, talking to me about him, etc, for well over a decade.

Now I find out that C's biodad also plans to beat me to the punch. Yep, that's the guy whose initial reaction to "I'm pregnant" was "I'll pay for an abortion" ... who has resisted all efforts by me to talk to him about it all, saying he's "not ready" (kid is now 21 y/o, when do you think you might be ready, jerk?) ... who has gone on to skate through life while leaving mine in ruins ... he's going to get to C before I am.

Yes, I am bitter. 85-90% of my mental health issues are attributable to what I have gone through because of the lack of support I received from all corners over the years regarding my son. While Jerk just bought himself a house and a Porsche, I've been unemployed for almost a year to the day and am living with my sister, who is losing patience with the arrangement. I'm not even going to list all the ways and reasons I have suffered, because it would take too long, but suffice to say, the person who has suffered most from this trauma is ME.

Consequently, all I ever asked ANY of them was to allow me to be the first to hug MY kid....and they've all thumbed their noses at it. And when I said something, after Jerk's parents decided to betray me, I got called names and told to grow up. I keep my mouth shut 99.9% of the time for just that reason, because every time I try to be brave enough to stand up for myself, I get friggin' steamrollered.

I don't need this. I have enough going on without piling on more hurt and betrayal. I don't understand why they had to stick the knife in and twist, TWICE.