Had session with my T last night and it started off very easy. I talked about school, things going on with my siblings couple health scares ect..
Then she asked how I have been feeling during the week. I said to be honest, I have been overwhelmed at times out of no where. That I can't figure out if it's because I just started back to school, or the stress of family dynamics ect.

Then I told her that the family issue really hit hard, as I just registered for graduation, that this is really almost over. We had our first capping and pinning meeting (I'm a nursing student) the day of my therapy appt, and I told my T that things really hit when they were talking about inviting family. I told her it took everything in me not to cry in the meeting because I don't have my mom (she passed last year) and I would never invite my dad, who also disappeared out of my life when my mom passed and who has totally went off the deep end. I can't even bare to see him right now, all the past issues are springing up, as he was one of my abusers. I just feel really, really alone lately, shared that with her as well.

She said what makes it feel sad. I said, because I don't have them there to support me, I don't have them. It would be nice to have someone there. She said maybe you want someone to be proud of you, ugh...she was right that too, I do want that. I said I am not a kid anymore but I am still young and to not have my parents around, to not have that support, it's really hard. The crazy thing is they were not supportive, although I know my mom would have been so proud of me finishing. I started crying a little talking about this stuff.

Then somehow we landed on childhood stuff and I let a few more things out. Then asking the question "why", why would my mom allow me to sleep over a single mans home when I was just 8 years old, where was her mind in all of that. My T said there is really no excuse, no excuse as to why she let those things happen, but they did and she was sorry. At this point, I couldn't hear what she was saying, she was talking and my mind was going to things that were very uncomfortable as a child. She asked what I was thinking and I shared some but couldn't go into some of it.

Then I said, I really don't remember a lot, and my younger sister remembers so much; I just don't understand how that could be. She said, do you want to know? I said sometimes I do but them I am scared to death of what will surface because of what I do remember already. Told her of a few things that surfaced since we started talking about things. She said, sometimes memories do surface, and often times it happens when your mind is ready. She said, it may seem more overwhelming lately because you are finally starting to accept this stuff and you denied it for years as part of a defense.

I really started crying talking about this but only a short while and shut myself down. She looked at me and said is there anything I can do to help you (when I was crying), I said no. I mean what could I really ask for? I said I need to cry more but don't want to. She said thats because you are not ready to let it all flow yet, you will be one day.

She was saying that maybe I just needed a safe place to do it, that maybe therapy can be that place where I allow myself to let go. Thats still really hard for me.

I told her I have really been having a hard time sleeping that I am considering asking my doctor for something to help me sleep but I have never taken meds for anything before and am kind of nervous about it. She actually encouraged me to really think about it, she said you really don't have to try to be some super hero, that sometimes people just need it for awhile and with your school almost ending ect, you have alot going on. Even equated some of the anxiety to the fact that I will be turning another page in history (finishing college this December) and that change can be scary.

She said, can you leave all of this here with me in this room before you go. I said, I wish it was that easy, that I really need to learn how to do that. I said it will probably all hit me in bed alone tonight. (and yep it did)

It was a really hard session but good, seems when I am more vulnerable even though I feel far away, I feel closer, I don't quite get that yet. Maybe I sense her being more present then, even though I may not be.

In the end, she gave me a really big hug, told me that I should be really proud of myself for sharing what I did, that I shared a lot that session.

I was really overwhelmed when I got home though, lots of anxiety but am feeling better today, of course it was a really busy day though.

Anyways, just wanted to share that experience. Guess I am slowly learning how to be a little more vulnerable. It's so stinking hard though. Things have definately been much more overwhelming lately, I think that is what caused me to let some out, sometimes it just gets to be so much.