hangingon
I'm very sorry you're experiencing that sadness about having no family there for you as you graduate. I think it's so important that you shared all that with your T. I hope that pain lessens for you!
Just from reading your description of your session, I really like how you and your T interact, and especially T's responses to your hard questions as you're trying to understand everything going on.
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Then I said, I really don't remember a lot, and my younger sister remembers so much; I just don't understand how that could be. She said, do you want to know? I said sometimes I do but them I am scared to death of what will surface because of what I do remember already. Told her of a few things that surfaced since we started talking about things. She said, sometimes memories do surface, and often times it happens when your mind is ready. She said, it may seem more overwhelming lately because you are finally starting to accept this stuff and you denied it for years as part of a defense.
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This is very interesting to me - I recently had a couple of flashbacks about childhood, some unpleasant memories involving my mother paddling me and pulling my hair. I told T about them this week and asked how do I know that they're real? T didn't really answer, she wanted to hear the memories, but she validated my feelings that came from the flashbacks, because those feelings were real, regardless of whether the flashbacks were real or not. I also lived in denial about some aspects of my childhood, and it's all starting to come into focus in my mind now - it's definitely overwhelming!
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I said I need to cry more but don't want to. She said thats because you are not ready to let it all flow yet, you will be one day.
She was saying that maybe I just needed a safe place to do it, that maybe therapy can be that place where I allow myself to let go. Thats still really hard for me.
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Oh, can I ever related to needing to cry more but not wanting to do it in front of T yet! I'm working on letting myself feel safe enough in therapy to do just that - baby steps!
Take care of yourself!