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Originally Posted by treehouse
We talked about me not feeling loved, and feeling like I don't DESERVE to be loved. Like I am totally, and completely, and utterly unlovable.
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I would think that being unlovable would protect you from something, but of course it's easy for me to think that -- I'm not right in the middle of it like you are.
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Ugh, it was the most painful session - more painful than anything we have talked about, and that's saying something.
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For me at least, actively looking into something that's painful for me is a "cleaner" kind of pain than trying to avoid it and having it ride on my back instead. It seems to wake me up rather than wear me down, for instance. FWIW, tree, in these posts you sound to me like someone who's actively looking...
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I told T that I don't believe that T loves me either. I just DON'T. I just CAN'T.
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...like
that!
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I WANT to feel loved. I just can't. So we wondered about why I push love away, and I'm still mulling that over.
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And coming up with interesting stuff about it, too, I notice:
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Originally Posted by treehouse
... I couldn't let down my guard...if I let her in, she would turn around and hurt me for SURE. It was easier to not expect or want anything.
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T came and sat with me and held my hands and asked me to let myself feel and believe for ONE minute that he loves me.
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Geez, that sounds pretty ambitious. I would've thought five seconds might be a good level to start at, and work up from there.
What usually comes up for me when I try exercises like that (or affirmations, for that matter) is all the reasons why it's
not so for me, and can't be, and mustn't be, and I don't want it to be. Then, when the smoke clears (which usually takes a while) I may start catching glimpses of the possibility that it might be so after all, or that I might have some choice in the matter...
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Originally Posted by treehouse
... towards the end he said that maybe instead of working on making the choice to believe I am loved, that we need to back up and maybe I could just admit the possibility that I might be loved. Just to accept that it might be POSSIBLE.
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...kind of like that, actually!
Thanks for sharing all this, treehouse -- and would it help if I pretended I didn't love you?