I want so badly to call my t. Not because I feel she would actually help me, but because I want her to be the kind of t who I want her to be. Someone who WOULD help me. I feel badly now that I am looking elsewhere. I need help and I know if I called her about this issue she will get rough with me.

I weighed myself this eve and I lost another couple of pounds. I know this isnt ED forum, but I share here so I hope its OK. I know tomorrow morning Iwill be 111-112. Its too low and I feel out of control. I need help now for this stuff. My t has never called me manuipulative but when I talk about this issue with her now she goes silent and tells me "you know, ____, I dont want to talk about food with you." In other words, she thinks Im getting something out of this/manipulating her by bringing it up. If there is anything (and there are lots of things) that she is wrong about its that. I have to work somehow on my ED issues that never seem to get better, it just changes form periodically. When we have worked on it in the past its real surfacey- I should eat healthy, nourish my body, exercise etc. Well, if I could, I would, ya know?

My thought was to go to this ED place near me and find a therapist there and make that one of my interviews. This is an important issue for me to work on so maybe I should try that. The problem is, once food is relatively under control, the t has to be able to deal with what comes up and the rest of me. My t supposedly specializes in ED. That always amazed me b/c she is not real good at ED. Maybe she is better at compulsive overeating, but not at what Im doing. I need to make an appt now/soon. This weight scares me and I dont know where it will end or how to get help real soon- I refuse to go in-patient (which is what my t threatens me with).