I'm generally not very comfortable talking about sexual things but I've just had a lot of questions lately and no one to really answer them.

Well up until I was 18 I was really naive about sex and sexuality. I didn't know what masturbation was. I didn't really know much about sex except you could possibly get STD's or pregnant from it. My mom loves to believe she taught me anything, but she didn't. But when I think about it I started developing some of the things I find arousing though at the time (I was probably around 14 or 15 when I started fantasizing about things).

Anyways, when I was 18 was when my curiosity of things really peaked. I started looking at porn and I found I liked it. I sort of claim that as "my mistake"...it was an art site I joined and naturally the mature filter is switched on, but out of curiosity (not expecting to see pornography) I switched it off. I started finding out things that aroused me and that really got me thinking of my sexuality and why some things arouse me.

I don't think that I'm gay or bi, but I started fantasizing about male to female transgenders. I don't really find the feminine body as a whole very attractive, but I do find the curves and breasts appealing. I've never imagined having sex with a biological female. That doesn't appeal to me. But to have sex with a transgendered woman that still has male parts really does. And that makes me question my sexuality a bit.

The one thing that really bothers me (and it's really hard for me to admit it...I've only said it one other time online) is that since I started having sexual fantasies, they were mostly involving abuse. It scares me because I know that it's so bad and I wouldn't want it to happen to me, but at the same time I'm getting aroused by it them. I've tried to think of why that is. Maybe because I tend to think of myself as less than everyone else...but I don't know.

Just to put it on the record, I've never had sex but I do masturbate. And as for the porn, now I'm rather bored with it. Maybe every once in a while I'll look because even though I'm a girl, I'm a very visual person and get more stimulation from images. I don't really know how I completely feel about porn anymore because I've started becoming really torn about it...Because I still look at it every once in a while, I'm not disgusted by it (some fetishes disgust me though...) and usually it's drawings or animations instead of photographs or movies...I don't really know...