Last night I had T and I'm still very upset and triggered. I haven't slept any and I'm still very confused. My brain is all twisted and I know what's suppose to be right in my head, but the feelings I have make me so confused. My T said several times last time that it's because I've been so brainwashed and programmed that I can't think clearly. Ok I say a little about my situation. So everything beyond this point I think will be triggering. It's really triggering me, so I'm sure it could other people as well. So please don't read it if not in a good place. But I just need to talk about it.

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Ok this is my problem. How do I even start to change what's been programmed and brainwashed into my head??? I was very abused as a child and had a large number of abusers due to being used in a child porn ring and involved in RA. As a small child I was traded out to other men to be abused. One of the things that was used to control me was to put us in a duffle bag and leave us in the woods behind our house at night for hours. As a teen there were times that I worked on the street. This is what I learned that I was. I'm having an extremely hard time learning that I wasn't born to be abused. I know in my head that it's not true. But I still really feel like I was born to be abused. If I wasn't born to be abused, then why did so many ppl abuse me? I feel like there is something really wrong with me now that no one is abusing me at the present time. It's all twisted in my head. I just can't get past this thinking. My T says that this is just been so brainwashed and programmed into me as a child that it's going to take a long time to change it. I really don't know if I can. I feel like such a bad person and that there is something so wrong with me. How do you change this thinking and the horrible feelings that overcome you?? I'm just so very lost and confused.
Monty