Its very interesting to me this conversation and the way memories return. I agree that my mind has protected me for many years from pain. It did what it had todo to get me through my childhood.But the cost has been huge. The memories and feelings are still there. I believe it comes out in things like food, SI and difficulty being present. And in my relationships. I had virtually no memories of my childhood before I started with my current t. I was able to access a number of things that were painful. It wasnt even obvious to me that I should have told someone about things that happened to me. Or that what happened with my previous t was inappropriate. But there are so many feelings left. I suppose not all of it needs to be remembered to heal, but I am far from healed. I still have a need to control the pain or I am afraid I will fall apart. I need someplace to fall apart and be put back together. And to know I'll be OK. I dont really believe that yet.

My t asking me if maybe it was my imagination (I said that to her first) made me believe she had been thinking that. I think I brought up a csa memory only once after that. But not that particular thing. It makes me wonder if another t might have the same reaction and I dont want to ask someone if they believe me. I have some reservations about bringing this stuff up.

Oh, and I also have memories at these strange times. In the moments before I fall asleep, while exercising on the treadmill (Ive cut this out lately), in the shower, while driving etc. Maybe it has to do with my mind being more open at those moments.