Hi all the Borderline Beauties!!

On my soap box again......

During this painfull experience of writing my book, I have reflected alot on the nature of love with BPD......and the impact that the illness has on loving, and loving unconditionally.

Most of us have come from horrendous pasts and upbringings only to find that our identity has never formed and we do not have the necessary tools for love(amongst other things)......just my experience and reading.....no?

We spend much time seeking such severe approval from others.......that is the general thread that I seem to gain not just from this forum but from this whole community. And I for one, had this in spades......and the approval I so desperately sought was from my parents(even though my mother and I "divorced" for 10 years!). I could be an engineer for NASA and it still would not have been good enough. So along with terrible illness I studied science and worked full time and then had stints in my favourite psych hopsital.......what the?

I love science and will go back to my degree someday.......but it is because I want to, not because of some misplaced malignant loyalty to my parents.....

I see people struggle with the notion of love......or lets say, self-love......I hated everyone for years......yet so desperately needed to "feel" and I thought that I needed people to be whole......not so......

I needed ME to be whole........and while I was around other people, I was but a mirror of them, for my identity was gone and I refelcted them.....there is no truth in that.

So, on my journey to love, I found that being alone was the only way to be.......but this is where I struggle, for I am but a solitary creature by nature, which is why I could never understand why I so desperately needed to be with people.......until I realised the "reflection" angle. I needed people to tell me who I was.........blah!! get rid of that......

I ask all of you, why do you need to be loved when you are learning to love yourselves? Love can ONLY come from within........I am not saying that we should all live like hermits(oh that would be good!) and never seek the company of others, but why do we put OURSELVES down when others do not love US?

This is all introspection, mind you......for I am still seeking the answers......so forgive me if I think out loud.......but it deeply saddens me when I see people struggle with Love, like it needs to be harnessed and conquered and this general affliction of "But I am flawed how could anyone love me?"

Well, I will tell you.......you are all on this mission of inner truth and wisdom, you all have great insight even if you don't know it, you are on the journey of a life-time that NO ONE can compare with.....people will never be tested like you and SURVIVE.......YOU are WARRIORS!!!

There, I said it.......and you know? The love will come in time and when you are ready it will be magnificent and you will be warriors of the spirit.....for you shall love so much that it will overflow......thats where I am heading.

Anyone with me.......in all our various paths and journeys?

Much love to all of you......

Michah