Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMoon6
Dream- as I am reading your post I realized I have memories little by little of csa but memories of verbal/physical abuse by my mother is almost non-existant. I have a few memories but I dont remember anything at all really. I do remember my reaction at times, tantrums, hiding and hurting myself, but what triggered the behavior I dont remember. I also do not connect those things I did with any particular event. That will be very difficult for me to access. I know there is a lot there but I will have to feel safe and comfortable enough to just talk and talk. What happens if it comes up and I feel so horrible that I want to SI or stop eating. As Im writing this it makes me feel like that already. How can I work on it? Its too much.
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Bluemoon,
It's not unusual to not connect feelings with things that have happened. I agree that you really have to feel safe enough to work through these things. It can get very overwhelming. Something my T tells me alot is that she wants me to have total control over what I want to talk about. That I don't have to tell her everything to heal. She also encourages me to tell her if I don't want to talk about something, or if we are talking about something and it gets to overwhelming, she wants me to tell her when I need to stop. She doesn't push it. From the very beginning she encouraged that control. She knew I needed that.
It's working through it slowly at your own pace. The one thing I have really been telling myself lately is that it's not happening now. That these are just the feelings in the moment, and that they will pass, I just have to ride them out. Not always easy to do but the more I practice it the better it feels. I really hope that you find a wonderful therapist soon!
Hang in there.