it isnt right is it - you see pain and you cant fix it - cant take it away - cant change the past or present for someone you care about - or many people you care about

we are here doing what we can supporting each other the best way we can - talking when we can - listening when we can - sometimes just breathing is enough.... or sending a hug.. or offering a hand... or being offered one......

who am I...... I am many parts... I am the child that was trapped in the past - locked up wiht the memories in the dark ever crying the tears i could not. the child from before is gone... the trusting happy smiling child i see in the pictures before.. she died..... her innocence taken away..

i am the protector - wanting to protect everyone everywhere - wanting to heal everyone - wanting to reach into the past and protect the me-child that died - failing - wanting to protect her kitten that was poisoned - failing - wanting to protect herself as she grew and was used - failed - forgetting all and not telling - so then others were harmed - failed - so many wishes so many failures...... not much of a protector.. maybe thats why i am such a protector at work and now.... I will stand in harms way to protect another ..but will not protect myself....

I am the part that would take love any way she could get it from those that should have protected her - who resisted at frist but then didnt fight...... didnt run...didnt tell....didnt scream..... part of her wanting love...but that was not love....

i am the cold hard part that is steel - that can do the things that need to be done when they need to be done - but that also is the part that harms me because i deserve it.....

I am the logical part that wants to heal - have a life a love - someone to hold me when im sad - someone i can hold when they need me ..or even when they dont....

I am the emotional part - rageing like a tempest - swirling like a tornado - keeping me off balance and alone - dont trust - dont belive - hide - disconnect -sleep - dont sleep - eat too much - dont eat - spend too much -money that i dont have - dont answer phone or open mail - aaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!! or GRRRRRRRR or but rarely always waiting for a reason? excuse? to carry out my own threats to myself lol
at least i dont want to harm others lol - knowing that love is a lie and that i am unlovable so my dreams will never come true.... disgusted wiht myself........maybe voices formthe past ...dunno.....

I am not the person from 3 years ago - cool calm collected untouchable - that nothing got to - who lived in a dream - never touched reality except the one i fabricated.... she is dead now... never really existed....

I am soft and can be hurt by a glance a word a sigh, misread things, get hurt, misinterpret get hurt, always waiting for the person to leave when they see the real me - always knowing that everyone always leaves one way or another..... adn that alone is my destiny - my just deserves lol

I am now all these parts warring wiht each other - fighting for survival for power - and in the middle stands T - Pdoc - and my friends here at PC - my rocks in the stormy sea - sometimes i hold on tight to them when the storm is bad - other times they hold on to me as i try desperately to let go and slide beneath the waters........

I am not DID, I am just shattered into a million pieces..... kneeling in the glass - trying to put it back together ...but i never was good at puzzles.... always gave up lol

sending warm healing thoughts to those who want them - offering a hand or sitting with whoever needs it and wants me to.... offering hugs to those who will take them from me - taking hugs if offered - worthy or not lol (me not you ) take care - hope i havnt triggered anyone

I have probably said too much.... sorry