don't get too down on yourself. it sounds like you're just internalizing some of their headgames. people *can* be accustomed to certain kinds of abuse, and *seem* to enjoy them if they are predictable and so on, but this is because you're gotten so conditioned to accepting the fact that it's *feels* inevitable that it can feel like a relief when it actually happens…but of course it's *not* inevitable, if you can find a way to get out and establish your own independent reality.