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Elysium · 12:03 AM

I'm not sure if I am posting this in the right spot or not. I put it here because it is an issue with an alter, but mods can relocate it if they feel it necessary.

Saw T today. Session was good...and bad!!

Willow divulged a secret to T today that she shouldn't have told!! It's been going on now for the last year or so.

See...I am prescribed this one medication for my CPTSD. We'll call it Vitamin A. I have been taking Vitamin A for a long time now...once a night before bed...to help calm us all down and quiet the mind so we can actually get some sleep and rest. On occasion we'll take it during the day if we are having a more difficult time with the anxiety, but that only happens a couple times a month maybe. We are using it as it is prescribed.

A couple years ago...we had a kind of meltdown. We took a few too many tablets of Vitamin A...along with a couple other sleep related meds. It was not by any means a large overdose, but it was still an overdose. This was when we went in-patient our first, and hopefully, only time ever. It was not an S attempt. Mind and Soul just needed a break from the thoughts and sounds and wanted to sleep...not die...just take a break from the conscious world for a little while...kind of like putting someone who has been severly injured into a short term drug induced coma so their body can recover...

Anyway...I have been using it appropriately, for the most part, ever since.

For the most part? Yeah!! The most part. About a year ago, we were very stressed out and needed something stronger than a Vitamin A pill to calm the anxiety...without really thinking about it...literally, we found ourselves crushing up one of the Vitamin A pills, mixing it with water, trying to cook it on a utensil, and then drawing it into a syringe and injecting it into a vein!!!

It was like we were in robot mode...didn't feel like we could stop...didn't know how we knew what to do, or if it would work, but someone needed it bad and we did it anyway. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS!!! There were no ramifications, medically or physically, to my actions and it didn't work. This has never been attempted again.

Then, we lost a close family member, we lost the house, and we were very depressed and sick a lot and all this started to take a toll on work. We were struggling to get support from the employer, but they were making it very difficult because we were new to the job. We felt like we were drowning!! Even worse...this was back before we were consciously aware that we were us and not I...but some kept dropping hints that the host was not picking up on. The natives were beginning to get restless!! We felt the need to escape!! We knew that if we took the Vitamin A pills as prescribed, it's effect would not be enough to get us through these times and we would have to take too many of them in order to ease the high anxiety and stop the thoughts and pictures and sounds, which would then be another technical overdose. We found someone who could supply us with Vitamin A in intravenous form. We took one dose, and it was an appropriate dose that a person would normally be prescribed. It worked wonderfully, and we were given respite!!

It didn't knock us out or make us sleep...it just did what it was meant to do and worked well.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago!! The whole world flipped on it's axis!!! I all of the sudden became WE when THEY decided to introduce themselves, we lost the job and the career was looking like it was finished. Someone started having cravings....someone wanted Pot!!

Amber!! ANGRY Amber!! Everybody's punching bag, Amber. Fight to the death...even if it's your own, Amber!! We hadn't had Pot since we were kids....the father used to grow it in the attic and he used to give it to us when we were little. We always hated it. Now...all of the sudden...we could smell it, and taste it!! We wanted it. Not a lot...just a little...to take the edge off. So one night we found ourselves parked under a bridge near the river. It was really late...we got out and within ten minutes of walking along the water, some guys came up to us and asked us what we were looking for. We told them what we wanted. They asked how much money we had. We told them. We were so scared...we couldn't even look at them. All we could do was look at the ground. We didn't know what we were doing? Then they got real close to us and asked us if we did anything else. We were scared about what they meant so we said no. They wanted us to smoke with them but we just wanted the stuff so we could leave. This made them mad. We asked "What do we do?", and the guy sat down next to us and put a baggy on the seat in between us. We gave him the money, took the baggy and left.

We were sooo disappointed in ourselves, yet again...we felt powerless...like someone else was driving. Angry Amber was in charge. Ultimately...when we got home and looked at the baggy, it wasn't what we had asked for. It was a bag of grass and weed alright...straight out of somebody's front yard!! We were devastated, but at the same time relieved. Now...it even seems a bit funny in a "ha ha, your an idiot" kind of way. We were so scared...we didn't even look to see what was in the bag till we got home.

Now, last week, again...too much thinking, thoughts, loudness, over and over the memories would play...we tried to self soothe, and we tried distractions, but it wasn't working. Again we found our Vitamin A friend...we wanted some more of that liquid peace. We took it home but decided to save it....thought that maybe if we saved it and kept it that we would just feel better knowing it was there.

Today in T....Willow broke down and told. She said she was going to get in trouble...and she is!! Angry Amber will always have her way. But it's something that T said that doesn't make sense?

T said that we...ugh, Amber....uh..me...that I have a "substance abuse problem"!!!

WHAT THE HELL?????

I DON'T USE ILLEGAL DRUGS!!!

Just because I...we, have cravings for Pot and we WANT it once in a while...and we take a med that is prescribed to us..just in a different route, when we NEED it...does this REALLY equal a "SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM"?

I'm not squandering my life savings away and spending hundreds to thousands of dollars a month on drugs!! I'm NO tweeker!!! I'm not using these drugs to get "high" or even using them on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis inappropriately. Why does it have to be a "PROBLEM"? What makes something a problem, anyway? I admit that it's not a good idea to use ANY drug or medication in any way that it is not prescribed to you....but I am an educated healthcare professional. I am well aware of the appropriate doses of Vitamin A and when I need it, I need it. What's so wrong with that???? I don't use it at work when I am practicing...that is not safe and would violate my ethics/values.

WHY is it a "SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM"??? Why isn't it just me/us doing what we need to do to help ourselves through difficult times. We don't use it in any way that wouldn't be allowed to us were we in a hospital setting!!

UGH!!...this is making us sick inside!!!!!!!!!

Is this denial???????

IS it a problem???? Or....could it just be pushing the envelope? I really don't understand what the issue is. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL!!!

But it is!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!