kudos to you Michah for this post.

okay, i'm just going to write stream of consciousness so be aware that this might be triggering to some. i'm gonna go to the weak points here. :P this is also LONG... bear with me.

this is one of the most essential characteristics in BPD, i feel.

i read this theory a while ago and it hit home. i did not want it to hit home at all. it said that borderline people see people as objects, who have only instrumental value. "i need you because of the love you give me" - initially i thought, "isn't that what the name of the game is, anyway?" until the article said, "a normal person needs another person because he loves them, a bordeliner loves because he needs them."

that whole instrumental value thing hurt me but when i start putting it into other terms, it makes sense. i also need (see?) people to see who i am. it's crap. it hurts because i've gone for so long thinking i'm self-sufficient, independent and whatever... only to find out when i enter a commited relationship that i'm probably the worst co-dependent person there is who also thinks people only have instrumental value.

love translates to needing in our minds. the lack of love caused needing it, and now when we think we're loving, we're actually needing a lot without the sort of love that other people are used to. which is why some might run away from us, or do things that we think are rejection. i know i feel this way a lot, and i'm in a picture perfect relationship. i translate so many of his doings to rejection/hurt and that takes a toll on our communication, because i tend to start rejecting before i get rejected. "better adjust to this", is often heard in my head.

and it hurts so much because we go there with our 100% genuine feelings, dedication and devotion but these people who don't know about our soul lives think we just want to manipulate. i swear i never manipulate consciously. i mean, when i do things, i don't think "ha, i think i'll sulk in the corner so i'll get his attention!"

what can i say about my personal healing? i'm anxiously waiting to get working with people who can help me, and to develop some sort of personality, help me uncover the hidden horrors of my childhood and when that's all tolerable, i hope i will experience genuine "ordinary" (though to us, that's extraordinary) love and be a good, worthy partner for my other half.


twilight