So I thought today was a good day. Then one of my landlords comes over says we gotta talk. Right away I read his voice and want to throw up in my yard. I know something's bad. I know we are getting kicked out I can just feel it. And we are. Says we got 20 days. He and his wife are renovating their home and moving their upstairs tennant into our house and kicking us out. He's on a lease, we wern't yet so we are the bottom of the totem pole. He says his wife couldn't look us in the face and do it so he did. Said she felt bad about it. Yet a few days ago she brought the tennant through our house telling me it was about putting in new carpet! Then I recognized him as the guy that was moving in! I wanted to cry my eyes out and out disrespectful that was to do right in my face.

When Christian found out (my fiance) he was so close to tears he couldn't even breathe to ask his mother's fiance for help. We have no money to move and no where to go. My fiance slumped in a chair and cried. I acted strong and tough and told him we'd figure it out. But when I got in my car to go pick up a renters magazine alone I started crying my eyes out in traffic. I never seem to be able to let ppl see me cry. Ever.

I was always taught it was such a sign of weakness that I get so ashamed when I do it it just makes me cry harder. I needed my paper bag so bad but couldn't find it. Didn't help that when I got out of my car sniffling at Safeway this guy whistled at me, then did it again, you know, incase I didn't hear him the first time. I wanted to box him in the face.

I decided though for probably the first time ever "during" the chaos (I usually never pull myself together until afterwards) that I was going to handle it. So I found an apartment on the spot and made an appointment to get us set up with a move in special we could afford and hopefully we will be approved.

That was a mile marker for me. I am always on top of stuff instantly when things go wrong, people who know me always say I am so fantastic the way I plow right through stuff and resolve it before most people would even be recovered. but I don't actually I just fall apart behind closed doors the entire time throwing myself forward despite, which I think gives me that look of determination people see that is actually sheer terror of falling short in life.

But it bites me in the butt a lot. Like in jobs I do so much and work double shifts, doing like 3 ppls jobs, going twenty extra miles right off the bat, so when I slow down to a normal pace suddenly I'm the slacker. or when I am steaming onward and one day cry people act like I can't handle anything. Makes me not trust myself to show people weakness.

Dunno how to find that balance between being normal, being a trooper, and just needing somebody to be there for me once in a while. Sounds so simple yet it seems to be the hardest thing in the world to accomplish...