I got some rest, still shakey and unnerved

I threw away my cigs, I fall into a habit of smoking when manic or on high alert, and it seems to make everything worse. I made myself go for a walk that day and felt better, and I'm falling into a better habit of taking a thirty minute walk everyday.

In all honesty, I"m trying so hard to be okay, I am just feeling so very low and weary, I'm trying my best to head off the low, but it seems to be a loosing battle.

I keep having body memories, and flashbacks, the words, the subject matter of abuse, sends me into flight mode, and I do whatever it takes to get away from the subject matter before I loose my poker face and break down.

I"m so very tired, but so very scared to sleep, because I hate these dreams that seem to dance around and mock me. They seem to laugh in the face of any progress I have made, I just want to hole up in my room, stay hidden under the covers till this all just goes away, but I can't and in reality I don't think I could stay still that long.

I"m here, just lurking, floundering, kinda of hopping around being present in the moment, I'm where I am because this is where I am suppose to be,

I wish it was time for me to suppose to be on vacation...