Sparrow, thank you for sharing how you are doing...I admire your honesty.

It's seldom I do the platitude thing, and this won't be one of the exceptions.
Working through this crap is an itch with a capital B...anyone who says it isn't is full of it...jmo, of course.

My own experience was of being so weary of the effort that I just gave up...it was the best thing that I did but it was also the damn hardest.
Initially, it felt as though I was smacked by an avalanche of so very many things. But...trying to ignore/deny my fears and keeping the "I'm Ok Mask" 24/7 was draining me of every bit of pleasure in my life...I was blind to even the smallest pleasure.
Looking back, I see where it actually took more of my energy to keep a tight rein on my feelings/fear.
It was very hard at the time, though, to see any benefit to loosing those reins.
Something had to give...and it was me.
Ya know what? It was all right. Purging those things left room for gentle but solid thoughts to grow into an awareness that I was worthy of loving myself...shame, guilt, blame-taking took the backseat.

Steps towards healing/laughter/hope don't have to be big.
I've always said that it is not a race; we do the best we can at any given moment.
You are honoring your feelings...they don't feel good right now but some where in your heart is that tiny voice telling you to go another inch.
Being willing is so important, and your efforts will bring forth strength...committing to the walking, changing some habits may not feel like much...but it is...you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't know it does get better.

In Peace

jmo, of course