TY cat_eye and white_iris for the encouragement and safe hugs.
I'm just really scared. Is like everything that I've never dealt with is come up to the surface and is forcing me to deal with it.
white_iris, I have actually just gotten a new journal. My mother gave it to me of all people. For the last several years I've been unable to keep a journal, just been to hard to put words to things. But I'm a big believer in signs and having a new journal at this time I think is a sign I need to write things down.