Thanks turquoisesea - yeh i do understand what you are saying, and to an extent i agree it is a good idea to find something, however tiny, to be happy about because i'm incrediably ungrateful most of the time. But my problem is that the horrific-ness i feel is so deeply and thoroughly globalised that it ruins even my thoughts. It is ridiculous but i feel that even the 'good' in this world has been tarnished by the bad. I can see a bright, crisp, sunny morning with my eyes but there is always a dark hue over it that sullys it. I am the ultimate pessimist but ironically my expectations are far too high! I realise this but it depresses me to know that i have to lower them.

Thanks Sannah - i hope you are right. I hope it is me that is tarnished not the world. I don't know where the self-hate came from but i guess i've always been angry at myself for not being good enough. I literally dispise myself. I've resigned myself now to accepting second best in some areas of my life. But that is depressing in itself; the day a person realise that they aren't good enough and never will be and have to give up. Everyone has been through it, it is the day a person realises that this ulimited potential they've been made to believe in is actually a lie. High expectations causes big disappointments.