I am slowly processing today's session. I go in there now with different eyes.
She drank her tea and kept taking out her supplements to take with her tea. Crinkling bags. She seemed to be listening to me anyway. I started off with a difficult situation with my 5 yo in kindergarten crying for me in the morning. Im having difficulty and it makes me cry. She said it triggers me (her crying for me) but didnt get into what it triggered. Like childhood feelings- we didnt go there.
Next we talked about the crazy lady who called the police at the deserted laundromat (my other post). She told me if I go to court and the policeman doesnt show up (that is what he said he would do- not show up in court)that it would get throw out- no questions to me whether I am guilty or not. So....that is what I will do.

I wanted to begin a conversation about wanting to take a break or that some things here arent working for me, but we went on to eating.

There was so much, but I was looking to see if it was surfacey "advice" type things. I have to say, what she said will be helpful in the short term- is it healthy for me to do this or that. My weight isnt healthy. She said to me it is TOO LATE to not be giving my daughters eating disorders. I was pissed. First of all, I look for all of this stuff with them, and I really hope they dont develop something later in life, but to me, for this stuff to first develop later in life is a much different thing than what I have- a disorder thats been there for as far back as I can remember. My daughters dont do any of this stuff. They DO NOT have this kind of relationship with eating and food. I argued a little with her. She talked to me about my daughters competing with me and said what if they get heavier than you, then it will be REAL competition. Is she for real? My girls are not in danger of becoming heavier than me! They are tiny and eat normally. And even still- she was talking to me about them competing with me for clothing etc. WTF? I said I dont see that at all. I talk to my teenage girls about this stuff all the time. The competition thing, weight thing, their eating and my eating. My t said they are OK for now b/c I talk to them. ????? So...they are OK now. She was also kind of rude about how much damage my ED is doing to my children. I said who is going to develop and eating disorder? She said ALL of my kids. WHAT???!!!!??? Is she trying to shock me into eating? Then she said it doesnt matter what we talk about with your kids, you have to eat for you. I said eating/not eating for anyone else has never worked for me. No matter how much I love them. We talked about specific things and times I should eat. The we talked about me feeling like I am "bad" and doing the wrong thing when I eat. I cant have food in my stomach etc...The we talked about my mother and the things she said to me about my body and food. Telling me if I ate "youre going to get so FAT!" and her ED. I wasnt really allowed to eat much b/c of my mother's fear that I'd get fat. Id sneak eat b/c I was hungry....etc. I always felt like eating was a bad thing to be doing. And I was bad for being hungry.
So...that was helpful, but I see how I change the subject real quick when we get close to feelings....and she did bring it back to the mother/food issue. Its one thing to talk about it, but very difficult to actually feel it and be there. I find it so hard to stay very long on the subject of my mother.

And that was 40 minutes.....I never got to talk about what I was going to talk about with my feelings about her. I got to alot today- but it was not deep stuff at all, difficult, but not deep. She said things I felt were judgemental- that Im not eating to look young (?????) and be attractive (?????) I didnt answer that stuff at all- it doesnt fit. I dont feel the need to look like my teenagers Im OK being mom. Jeeez...