kudos to you Michah for this post.

okay, i'm just going to write stream of consciousness so be aware that this might be triggering to some. i'm gonna go to the weak points here. :P this is also LONG... bear with me.No trigger sweets......it is good to see you!!

this is one of the most essential characteristics in BPD, i feel.

i read this theory a while ago and it hit home. i did not want it to hit home at all. it said that borderline people see people as objects, who have only instrumental value. "i need you because of the love you give me" - initially i thought, "isn't that what the name of the game is, anyway?" until the article said, "a normal person needs another person because he loves them, a bordeliner loves because he needs them." Unfortunately true......and no, we do not want to see it like that, for that is not US, that is the illness talking. And I have seen "normal" people behave less honourably than people with borderline, so.....a theory....see what you think....statistically, people with borderline have above average intelligence(IQ) which is both a blessing and a curse. For me and my survival, I have relied solely on my intellect to get me through....logic, analysis, introspection. And as much as this is skewed sometimes with extremes in emotion.....I desperately sought logic...for it was SAFE. I even do algebra to calm myself down sometimes! yep, I am a strange one. So, I knew what love was in its formation, but i did not believe in it. I knew it existed, but I could no sooner manifest unconditional love than fly to the moon. There is no LOGIC in true love.....it is all emotion based. So it did not fit and it DID NOT feel safe......if you know what I mean. It felt like the idea of love was so big that it would kill me.

that whole instrumental value thing hurt me but when i start putting it into other terms, it makes sense. i also need (see?) people to see who i am. it's crap. it hurts because i've gone for so long thinking i'm self-sufficient, independent and whatever... only to find out when i enter a commited relationship that i'm probably the worst co-dependent person there is who also thinks people only have instrumental value.Sweet, I hear you......and even to this day......I struggle with this, I have been with my partner for 5 years. But I guess this is where self talk comes in. I look at my family sometimes(My man and my son) and they look like complete strangers that I look after. And then others times I look at them and have these strange little tugging in my heart that make me feel sick......for I am unfamiliar with love and am learning all the ways it manifests......fascinating! I actually say to my partner now "You feel like strangers.....I love you more than life, but I cannot show love for I do not know you at the moment......but it will pass, and I will seek a big hug." For us, it helps......sometimes just saying it gets it out of your body and removes some of the potency.......in saying this, it cannot be that way with everybody......but if you have no expectations, it can work to help the other person understand. It also helps that I now have the skills to RECOGNISE it for what it is......that way, I can deal with it in a logical way......unlike the terror of it in the past.

love translates to needing in our minds. the lack of love caused needing it, and now when we think we're loving, we're actually needing a lot without the sort of love that other people are used to. which is why some might run away from us, or do things that we think are rejection. i know i feel this way a lot, and i'm in a picture perfect relationship. i translate so many of his doings to rejection/hurt and that takes a toll on our communication, because i tend to start rejecting before i get rejected. "better adjust to this", is often heard in my head.OOOhhhh yeah.......KNOW this one!! A very insightful comment......

and it hurts so much because we go there with our 100% genuine feelings, dedication and devotion but these people who don't know about our soul lives think we just want to manipulate. i swear i never manipulate consciously. i mean, when i do things, i don't think "ha, i think i'll sulk in the corner so i'll get his attention!"yessss! I get that too.......I could no sooner consciously manipulate than fly to the moon again......my exes used to say to me "You don't care!!! You are too laid back and you manipulate arguments just so you can get your own way!!!" Yeah......whatever

what can i say about my personal healing? i'm anxiously waiting to get working with people who can help me, and to develop some sort of personality, help me uncover the hidden horrors of my childhood and when that's all tolerable, i hope i will experience genuine "ordinary" (though to us, that's extraordinary) love and be a good, worthy partner for my other half.Babe, best, best of luck to you in your quest......know that you are not alone and be very, very kind to yourself. Are you waiting to see a therapist? If you are, keep pouring thoughts onto to paper or here in this forum.......we are here to support.......big hugs


twilight