((((black)))) WOW so much is going on! And, so much you are taking into your life as though it's your responsibility. Much of what you listed has nothing to do with how you feel.... don't let it!

You're engaging in what is called cognitive distortions. The biggest one I see is that jump to the conclusion about your mom and the cousin: IF she feels that way about cousin, then ...the same about you?? How do you know how your mom would feel about YOU if you talked to her about these things? Maybe she's upset with the cousin because she cares? I do get the idea that no one in your family has yet learned how to express their feelings in a positive way. I'm sorry that is what you have learned. It doesn't feel good, does it?

Try not to catastrophize. This means "blowing things way out of proportion." Using the "p" word doesn't help. You're assuming everyone is that towards everyone else. I hear only one valid assumption here: you are really upset with your mother. But you are not responsible for her, or anyone else's actions. You are responsible for your own.

When you use words like "should" the end result is usually feeling emotional guilt. It's a bad motivation tool.

It isn't a stupid world. I know you feel like your world is... what you see and hear there is not the only thing you can experience. There's a whole 'nuther world outside of that one. It's more like this one here at PC... where we care and support each other.

Depression tells us lies. It says things are horrible and will never change, never get better. That isn't true. You will be able to change things for yourself but you need to realize that you can, and that it will take emotional work.

Feel better, okay? Being manic depressive is no one's fault. But it is something you can work around. I know an MD who is bipolar. Hardly anyone knows it. What would you like to be, what would you choose? Can you think? Can you dream of what your life will be when you are no longer under your parents' control? ... I hope so... your future is waiting for you... make it a good one, k?