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Sep 16, 2009, 09:49 AM
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Member Since: Jun 2007
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 5,518
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William
I used to be married to a cheater, and I understand your issues with trust. I believe in being loyal in a relationship. I'm married now to a loyal man who does not cheat on me, and we've been together 20 years.
Oddly enough, my ex-husband used to always accuse me of cheating - even though he was the cheater. He'd do as you did - show up unexpectedly hoping to "catch" me doing something wrong. It used to make me so angry, and his distrust actually tempted me to cheat - i.e., why not, if I'm already being accused of having so much "fun?" I suspect if your girlfriend finds out you spy on her, it will only push her into the arms of another. Nobody likes to be smothered.
I trust the man I'm with now. There are no strange time lapses, stories that make no sense, or secret friends. He trusts me too. 
Before we were married, we discussed getting married in Vegas because I had never been there before. Around the same time, a few friends of mine invited me to an "all girls" trip to Vegas. When I mentioned it to him in passing, he told me to go and have fun because he knew I needed to get away (my parents had just died). He even laughed and said "Don't bring home anything I'll die from (referring to disease)." I was shocked he'd think such a thing, but he said "If I can't trust you now, what's the point?" It felt so good to have the freedom to be me. 
You know, the four of us girls went to Vegas and had the time of our LIVES!  There were a lot of good looking men there, but none of them could hold a candle to the men who loved us back home. Having my fiance encourage me to go and have fun made me love him even more. 
You may be able to control her actions for a time, but you'll never be able to control her feelings. It tends to backfire. Sometimes the tighter you hold the leash, the more they want to run. 
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