I feel tearful and as if life's meaning is slipping away from me slowly, just when I was at the moment where it mattered more to me than just a 'dream' I have been getting more and more in touch with reality; I can testify to its beauty; I can live less in the 'everything has to be meaningful deep human contact at every living second; phase...the down times exist....I can handle them better & better..

I found myslef skipping class tonight, where everyone told me to go when I reached out to friends saying I had a deep need to question life as a time period, as a growth period, and as a subject matter close to my heart...they said if I am so nervous about becoming a teacher why would I purposely miss class just to ponder that point? But I can feel the most profound desire to ponder, to delve, to feel and feel from intuition and to feel from my inner gut..

Can I put my delusional, manic, personality that has always been 'off' according to employers aside and maintain the disciplined way of a commander of a class? I love children more than words can express...but can I maintain classroom management? Can I provide all the details, the minute details, of a lesson and a lesson plan?

I have substitute taught when I was more ill than I am now and received complaints..but again, I am so much more in balance now...or so I thought..

I have gotten word lately in a teacher's room that I helped so much that I would be a great teacher, that i tended to each individual need, that I did keep the class under control.

I am more balanced, but I will always want to focus on the big picture, hear more about the student's week-end lives than whether they did their homework, I feel.

They say more and more teachers are being hired that are more broad thinkers lately...so far i have found my education courses fascinating, and my professors adore me..

I do love the sweetness of an elementary class; the little roles like lione leader, caboose...their innocence..

I guess I have always just earned minimum wage and am terrified of having a true career now it is mind boggling, I cannot even imagine what big paycheck looks like..

I have a lot of anger in me at the employers who fired me for 'seeming to have something strange about me' nothing outward ever, fired 58 times for small arbitrary things....

I feel so screwed up as if I have no place in this society at all, like society itself personally LOATHES me..

Many DO like me and i have a good base of friends that care...but little in common with my judgemental family..

I have to set a new teacher mindframe in order for me to teach, and I if I write about the changes that need to take place, I feel I can...

A lot of loneliness..that is what all this boils down to..

I thought I had forgiven those employers who found small faults in me and exploded at me for them, but obviously this keeps coming up..

Thoughts?