[quoteI have heard it explained that people blame themselves because this gives them some power. They feel safer if they caused the problems because they have control over themselves. If someone else caused the problems they can't control that. [/quote]

That fits too. If I give myself the power to have been to blame, then I can fix it. But the sad thing is that I could not fix it.
So maybe both are ture- I could fix it if I was to blame and it is more safe for it all to be my fault than the fault of someone I am supposed to depend on. If it is the fault of my mother, then who can I trust? Who will take care of me? That would be scarier than anything else.

BUt childhood is over and now I can get help from someone I can trust to help me fix it. I am tryinjg to find that person.