i recently asked a question here whether childhood abuse causes relationship failures...guess i really didnt have to ask....i already knew...but here is part of my story...i think just to tell it would be helpful to me....but any advice would be greatly appreciated...

when i was 2 my dad went to prison for theft for 2 years...my mother and i were living with his parents and then my mother decided to divorce my dad and marry his younger brother...i saw them try to kill each other when my dad got out..my uncle/step dad hated me and beat me once...he was abusive in every way to my mother...she would have to leave often after he'd hit her...i begged her to take me with her and she started to take me and leave my siblings with him....my greatest wish as a child was that she'd leave him...and since i gave up that would ever happen i wished for 18 so i could leave home...

when i was 6 years old my grandfather molested me...i only remember the one time...even at that age i knew it was horribly wrong but i was afraid to tell because i didnt want to hurt the grandmother that i idolized and i also didnt want anyone to harm my grandfather...i kept this secret until i was grown...

when i was 9 years old my 15 month old baby sister died from meningitis...and it crushed me...

ive never had a posititve male role model in my life and the female role model was my sweet co dependent grandmother...

ive suffered from shyness, depression, and anxiety all my life and have been a people pleaser to the extreme...my second husband cheated on me after my hysterectomy 5 years ago and i haven't been the same...i believe i have complex PTSD and maybe even BPD now....except that i have not self mutilated or attempted suicide...but i'm facing my second divorce now and i'm soooo exhausted from the panic attacks and now i have health problems i didnt have before...i'm 42 years old and FINALLY about to seek professional help....

up until 5 years ago with the hysterectomy and the infidelity, i believed i had done pretty well with my life....mild anxiety and depression and shyness....but i went to college and became a nurse...stayed married 15 years and had 3 children....went to church......my husband of 15 years was only neglectful but not really abusive....and i have to say that religion was helpful...it protected me in many ways....but when i lost sight of the religious beliefs i'd always held and experienced the "real world" i now think i have mental illness that i cannot deal with on my own...

i'm planning to see a psychiatrist asap....and hopefully i will be able to save my marriage...my husband and i are separated but we havent totally given up on each other....but i feel like i have a lot of work to do before i can have a successful relationship....and put an end to the horrible exhausting emotions i feel every day of my life...