Thank you for your reply! I'm still finding it to be such a comfort that im not a screw up.... i just have kinks i need to work out.
I'm Still trying to find affordable therapy/Know which one to chose. But gaining knowledge has helped a little sofar and i'm eager to seek professional help.

My main problem, is with my partner being hes the only one (beings ive distanced myself from family) whom I dont feel forced to keep myself in check and run to the nearest restroom for a meltdown. He takes my monster spells so roughly/personally and then it just ads to guilt later. Other than that I've been a loner and learned to live with myself...but i want improvment for myself.

as for my #2 question...its almost like a emotional self-injury . I like to hurt myself emotionally.(moreso in the past then now but it still exist)