(((((auroralso))))),

I have been thinking about you & how you are doing....I am sorry to hear that the depression has taken over so much.

Yes, when we end up at a point where our mortality is something we are forced to think about.....depression is a normal reaponse to it....not that we have ever thought about living forever, just never thought about the other as a possibility. Depression is alway a part of dealing with cancer, so for an article to suggest otherwise especially on a psych site....is foolish.

It is interesting how those who have had a permanent marriage relationship & are thankful to be out of it are in just the opposite place of those who haven't. Believe me, it isn't all the wine & roses that it is cracked up to be. I could never consider ever allowing anyone back into my life. Life is really wonderful alone with my 6 dogs.....I would never exchange my 6 dogs for a man ever again.

I know this probably sounds absolutely crazy, but maybe you could get another little puppy to love & care for....one that needs your love & needs to love as desperately as you need to love. For me, the unconditional love of my dogs has taught me more about real feelings, caring, & love than any human that has ever really touched my life.

This world is filled with many hateful, mean people.....I think we are lucky here on PC to be surrounded by as many loving & caring people as we are.

There are some people who are only good at being fair weather friends....how sad as they don't get to know the real person when they only deal with people at a very superficial level. Whether it's illness or just a person going through problems that they refuse to be a part of the life of others.....it is sad as I have found that in the worst time of trouble is when you really get to know how wonderful a person really is.

From Nightbirds posts, she is involved in many IRL support groups & that are helping her physically get through her cancer & mentally helping her keep her mind focused off of the depression that exists (not that is isn't there, but when we don't give ourselves time to dwell on it, it makes it easier to deal with & work through)

I know I have looked back at my life over the last 5 years & have a list similar to yours. I have lost almost everything from my past through some very horrible experiences.

I have told you about the trauma with the home care person that abused my Mother when she was dying from cancer. Not only abused her (& me) but stole all the family valuable jewelry that my Mother had been keeping (yes, they were jut things, but long time meaningful in the family things)

I found that when things get tough & you are trying to care for someone, everyone becomes very critical & then there is no one, no support, nothing.

I know that alone feeling even while being married.....it is definitey a feeling that is not just for the unmarried.

I finally sold my Mothers home & it was my escape from the life I couldn't stand anymore......moved 2200 miles away.

Great move....bought the home, had work done on it by incompetent people who cheated me out of doing a good job & charging too much money. I have to repaint every room & find someone to finish up the work the imcompetent guy started & messed up so bad.

The guy I paid to put up the fencing for my horses 2 years ago is still messing around getting it done.

The guy who I hired to put in my new heat pump unit ended up cheating me & putting in a bad outside unit which was miss matched I ended up finding out...the outide system is still bad, but the warranty isn't any good because of the two units are from different manufatcurers. He wasn't licenced in the first place & is judgment proof in court

When I drove back to California the first fall after moving here, with plans on bringing another load of my things, my truck was broken into when I stopped at a motel in Albequerque & the guy at the motel stole my id from the credit card & used & the bag they stole out of my truck with all my receipts also had my flute that was my means for relaxing.....& it had my life history with it from college when I was a music major...I played it at my Dad's funeral....Insurance only covered part of the value & ended up couldn't replace it as I needed the money for my medication that spring.

My husband came with me back to my farm that Christmas, only to end up kicking him out 2 weeks later.

The day before my birthday that February, I got a letter from the IRS about all the back taxes my husband had mesed up on with my inheritance.....huge amount of money & by that time, there was no money to pay them with...& he had been hiding the fact that he received a letter from them almost a year before.

I was stressing with a new pain specialist at my new home, trying to get him to continue with the prescription I was on in California & then trying to afford it when the insurance hit the point where I had to pay the whole $1400/month (that's where my flute insurance money went).

My oldest eskie died (my first eskie that I had spent so many years with & did everything with when I was dealing with my really bad depression in the late 1990's)....the worst part was that his death was my fault....if I hadn't been careless it never would have happened.

I am still living here 2 years later without any furniture & without my horses which was the whole purpose of moving here in the first place.....kicking myself because some of the problem was my own fault by not budgeting better than I did.

The church I joined here hasn't been supportive at all....as if I was invisable.....but the other wonderful people I have met have been there even though there has been some issues to work through & turned out ok.

There is no way with your list of things that you have gone through & are going through that you wouldn't be experiencing depression. My list is no where close to yours & I know that when I stop to think about my situation, that is when depression hits.

The important thing to realize however is that the past is over, the people who were mean are gone. We need to let go of the things of the past that we can't do anything about or control how the people were or how they acted. We need to be thankful in a way that they are out of our lives so we don't have their mean spirits around us when we need to be filled with positive energy (they would only make us more unhappy than we already feel)

There are times when we get to a point where we know we can't change anything else.....we have to take where we are & make it our new beginning.......

this is a nightbird quote from one of her latest posts It's not that easy to throw out the list of bad things from the past, but we need to cover up the list with a new positive list in the now & the future.

Fill our lives with all the positive energy we can come up with & all the positive people we find in our life now & kick out all the junk from the past.....we are now a new life & like nightbird said.....we now have a new normal & nothing else belongs in our life.

I wish you could find some wonderful IRL support groups where you could share your emotions with. Online is good, but there is something about the real interface that seems to help even more, so your past can start to fade into grey & blur, at least for the time you are feeling positive with the wonderful people around you. When the soul lightens up, the mind lets go of some of the weight that the depression has been loading on.

I know it's soon after loosing your doggie, but I know for me, there is nothing more wonderful than when I am snuggling with my eskies. When I get that sweet kiss on the nose just as I am going to sleep at night, knowing that their love is real unconditional love that I return just as unconditionally....it is amazing how healing that feeling is both physically & mentally.

I know we work hard at keeping ourselves from getting into the depression slump.....but there are times when it just can't be avoided until we do something to make a change & kick start a "new normal".

Even when life is feels impossible, it can still be good & we still can find our happiness when we refuse to let the darkness of the past take over.

We all are here for you & here to give you encouragement.....know you can get out of this depression you are in at the moment & find your "new normal" also.


Debbie