I know I posted a little about the time I spent down at my Mother's house going through it, trying to clean it up & put it for sale. I ended up sitting in the back yard in tears...away from anyone (my husband) who could see me. The water from the hose trying to water the dying grass....hoping that it would also wash away my fearful feelings, thoughts & senses that came flooding back. I hadn't been there in 6 weeks & thought I was getting over some of the trauma....I didn't realize that it was avoidance that had been working so well. I also had a terrible reaction to the insecticide that we sprayed to kill the black widows....but like usual, the physical & mental get all mixed up.

I had been feeling so much stronger that I fooled my psychologist & myself into thinking that I was getting better so I could make my appointments every 2 weeks & how about 3 weeks because I need the time to practice for my dressage show. Sitting in the back yard realizing what was going on in my head & emotions made me realize that I had been just fooling myself. I called my psychologist & we had a chat about what was going on & she decided that we really did need to keep it on the weekly basis....& told me to write down everything that was going through my head...20 minutes every day for 5 days. I am usually so good at putting feelings & memories into a dark place after I am away from where it hits....only with the 20 minutes a day....it kept it going....along with all the sick feelings that existed from the beginning of the year.

I made it to the appointment & she wanted me to read what I had written. I get so embarassed doing that & usually can't get anything out....thinking that what I have to say is all wrong for what is wanted because I don't seem to think like others. I actually got the thoughts out while choking back the tears...I don't let anyone see me cry....I am the strong one who will blow up, but NEVER cry....only weak people cry. I didn't even cry at my Mother's funeral.....why would I cry now. Well I couldn't stop the tears & felt so stupid. At the end, I was surprised that she found so much that I had been keeping buried to start working on. She did comment that I never let the tears out over all the time she has known me but that is was good to let these feelings out. The only problem that I have is that the issue that came to light was that even when my Mother was dying, she never told me she loved me....it was all about her....clear up until she couldn't talk or respond to me anymore...It brings up a post I did a a couple of months ago when I was wondering why after 4 months....I never felt any grief about her death....it has now been 6 months....& the same. And where are all the good memories that everyone has about their parents when they die? I feel like such a bad daughter seeing the not good things mostly when there is absolutely no abuse that I can determine....she was just in her own world all my life that never corresponded with mine...and neither of my parents could encourage me because they didn't know how to relate to my thinking.....I don't know how it all came about....but I think they must have mixed me up at birth & sent me home with the wrong parents.

Yes, I usually try to lighten things up with something silly to get away from my true feelings...think it must be obvious here.

I have been spending so much time trying to figure what is going on with my body & mind....besides using my horses for comic relief & exercise with the time left over. I haven't had much time to spend here. It feels difficult at this point in time to have the energy to support & respond to your posts along with trying to deal with myself.....I try to pop in ocassionally & see how you all are doing but it all goes by so fast here....it is hard to keep up with when my mind is spinning anyway.

Debbie