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Know thyself...follow your instinct...read later if you are shaky
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Treading lightly now...usual disclaimer of jmo

PTSD is an umbrella word for the aftermath of many traumas.
Combat PTSD has it's own components as does CA, etc..these differences should be recognized and accepted just as those of other traumas.

I speak now of Combat PTSD...
My unit received the casualties, so it is different.
Our reactions and feelings and problems have commonalities, though.

"One day at a time" meant something entirely different then is used by 12 step programs of today.
"I will not think beyond getting through this...I will not cry...I will not puke...I will hold your hand while you die...then I will weep."
"You can do it, said to me and repeated back to another OR nurse. You do not have to pee, no cramps are allowed, TS that you haven't eaten or slept in how many hours?"

and other things, spoken and left unspoken
walls around the heart? BS...your heart was hard and got harder with every damn one who died; our guys, the women brought in, the kids blown apart...every bit of our tiny bleeding hearts grew harder.
and one day it just didn't matter any more

silverbird brought you home
to chaos
in the mind, your crazy-**** mind
that's the way it felt
crazy *** mind

until you got desperate
reached out
there was the hand of a brother, of a sister
you were no longer two people; one crying inside, the other with the mask of the tough one
both melted
into one helluva mess

it stayed that way
for awhile
it takes a bit of courage to listen let alone talk
but those words break your spirit
the rough, tough spirit that bows to no one.
No One.
except the memories of death, the cries, the dark laughter.
the darker night with it's nightmares and hearing the pin drop
the FI attitude necessary if you were going to function

live like that for awhile and strange coping mechanisms abound
get sick and tired, get lonelier, pull away from loved ones
FI
it don't mean a thing
the tough grew weaker with anguish
sparse ability to hold it back

walking through those doors
saying help me, help me
I'm scared, I'm screwed up
can't see straight don't know who I am
left home one person, came back another
stranger caught in a void
help me, help me

asking for help is one of the hardest things to ask
it feels bad; like you are letting everyone down
nah, you already did so don't fool yourself
on your own now
it's a different battle, different buddies
others who survived, came home,
faced "it" after the agony of existing
clasp the offered hand
it is a life line, you've come home
can't fool someone who has been there, BTDT

it's not going to get any frigging better until you stop, drop, and roll
stop denying
drop from fear and exhaustion
roll with the WTFs
get off your arse, quit *****ing, and get busy
there is a life waiting for you
Guess What?
you ain't alone
in what you did back then
you ain't alone with the memories
you are alone?
choice you made

retreat
Stand Tall
walk into treatment
sick, sorry, afraid
vulnerable
everyone there has the same condition
it takes a short time to bond
with those who understand without speaking not one word but three;
Welcome Home Brother...Sister now acknowledged

Make peace with the past. It's a part of you, not the sum.

In Peace