Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
(((((auroralso))))),
Depression is alway a part of dealing with cancer, so for an article to suggest otherwise especially on a psych site....is foolish.
|
after thinking about it a bit more I have to agree with you Debbie.
I think hearing about Patrick got to me a bit and I don't know all the ins and outs about how articals get choosen for the news letter or who does it or if they are just the hot topics of the moment . I know others here get triggered .
I usualy get alot out of many of the articals and even get a laugh or two
like swearing is considered good for pain...
as for the artical on cancer. Most are hoping for no reoccurances . And Im just tried of having to suck it up for fear of being considered "dramatic:"
Im also a bit weary of having doctors tell l me I need family and friends in order to make it.
I can;t produce a family . as in grow a new one .
Quote:
It is interesting how those who have had a permanent marriage relationship & are thankful to be out of it are in just the opposite place of those who haven't. Believe me, it isn't all the wine & roses that it is cracked up to be. I could never consider ever allowing anyone back into my life. Life is really wonderful alone with my 6 dogs.....I would never exchange my 6 dogs for a man ever again.
|
Yes I understand this Debbie. I have this thought flutter through my mind often . remembering some past relationships that were .....
lacking enough for me to not want one .
not that they couldnt have been worked on in hindsite, Ive never had couples or famiy conseling . I think great things can be achieved with willing partners.
I have to say lately .. And Im trying to remeber this ..
Id like to beable to just be with someone and not have to say a word and just sit and hold hands and look at a sunset .
and be abe to hold onto that through out a relationship as being more than enough. companionship ...
Quote:
I know this probably sounds absolutely crazy, but maybe you could get another little puppy to love & care for....one that needs your love & needs to love as desperately as you need to love. For me, the unconditional love of my dogs has taught me more about real feelings, caring, & love than any human that has ever really touched my life.
|
I would love to Debbie .. and Id love to have six of them ...
Since I was asked to move three years ago ,
i wondering if i should go ahead and get one .
I cannot leave a dog alone at home everday .. and I cannot afford two dogs .
and My landlord who does not know I have cancer .. stil wants me to move .
I can;t afford a house and I can;t afford to move to a higher rent ,
with some new expenses and a higher rent already Im barely making it .
and Im not working as much . I had to dropped one client this summer .
just not sure I shoud get another one.. but I DO want one and it would be really good for me to have one... especially now...
I finnally got in touch with my old breeder , they are still breeding ,not having a litter til spring ..
i was hoping for a winter puppy...
Im afraid it will cost about 800.00 or more.
I don;t know what the future is going to bring. I'll keep looking at the adoptions.
.
Quote:
|
sad as I have found that in the worst time of trouble is when you really get to know how wonderful a person really is.
|
this is true.
Quote:
|
From Nightbirds posts, she is involved in many IRL support groups & that are helping her physically get through her cancer & mentally helping her keep her mind focused off of the depression that exists (not that is isn't there, but when we don't give ourselves time to dwell on it, it makes it easier to deal with & work through)
|
I belive there is only one cancer support group here and its for breast cancer. I have not looked into it,
Im not sure Im depressed I think I doing some big time grieving ..and wanting to do somethings I have not done and finding I have not the money to get assitance nor just take off and go do things,
alot of self pity I think and a bit of strugging with others i told you so you have only yourself to blame voices haunting me from some on line support groups.
lots of sadness in many areas.
Quote:
I have told you about the trauma with the home care person that abused my Mother when she was dying from cancer. Not only abused her (& me) but stole all the family valuable jewelry that my Mother had been keeping (yes, they were jut things, but long time meaningful in the family things)
|
a man woud steal the famiy jewels...
its just poor taste . unfortunately jewlry is pawnable .
the fall /winter I was being evicted ( I think in 2006/7) and was taking things I had hoped to make some money on to an auction . I had my one year old back pack leaf blower stolen . I had it laying under a tarp because I had to unload my truck .
I think one of the trash crew took it . I recall being woken up by the sound of a trash truck about 5 am the morning I discoved it missing
I made this HUGE sign that said
"To the Lowlife who took my new 500,00 leaf blower..
why don;t you just come take everything...... "
and I meant it.... it was how I felt that everthing was being taken from me ..
funny Im wondering what more is down the road....
Quote:
I know that alone feeling even while being married.....it is definitey a feeling that is not just for the unmarried.
|
I realize this..
ive never been married nor have i lived with a man other than had a room mate in a house a couple of times while in colledge.
I do like my autonomy ... i just have a bit too much of it...
Quote:
now I have looked back at my life over the last 5 years & have a list similar to yours. I have lost almost everything from my past through some very horrible experiences.
I finally sold my Mothers home & it was my escape from the life I couldn't stand anymore......moved 2200 miles away.
Great move....bought the home, had work done on it by incompetent people who cheated me out of doing a good job & charging too much money. I have to repaint every room & find someone to finish up the work the imcompetent guy started & messed up so bad.
|
nice that you could do that... move away and buy a house... about those lousey painters..
I had one who said she was a proffesional....
and she didn;t even finish her work .
and boy was she sloppy . had paint all over her face.
I can't find the photo of her I think I got tired of loking at her sorry face.
Il have to finish the corner ..Myself...
I 'm finding if I want a job done right I best try to do it myself,...
Quote:
The guy I paid to put up the fencing for my horses 2 years ago is still messing around getting it done.
|
he sounds just like my painter..probably leaves his tools and debri behind on the ground. I was always having to pick up after her thank goodness she worked for cheep. ...LOL!!!!
[quote]
When I drove back to California the first fall after moving here, with plans on bringing another load of my things, my truck was broken into when I stopped at a motel in Albequerque & the guy at the motel stole my id from the credit card & used & the bag they stole out of my truck with all my receipts also had my flute that was my means for relaxing.....
[quote]
this is so sad . I woud be hoping mad . furious!!!!! that sounds very scary about the recirpts . And the flute is irrepacable . I hope they were not able to use the card . the credit card companies are very good about placing a hold . But theres no way to get a replacement card qucikly. Ive lost a walet or two . and one was right in front of my face for a good week . walked right by it many times a day.
Ill bet it was nice being in New mexico? or is it Mexico..
. . how unfortunare somethig like that spoiled a promising time for your future.
I have wanted to see some adobe homes. . Being a woman alone can make you easy prey. Il bet you didn;t have a dog or two with you .. If a dog is in the truck its much safer . I never had to lock my truck because my girl was the best watch dog .
I think you were VERY brave making all those changes ..traveling alone like that . and moving.
Quote:
I got a letter from the IRS about all the back taxes my husband had mesed up on with my inheritance.....huge amount of money & by that time, there was no money to pay them with...& he had been hiding the fact that he received a letter from them almost a year before.
I was stressing with a new pain specialist at my new home, trying to get him to continue with the prescription I was on in California & then trying to afford it when the insurance hit the point where I had to pay the whole $1400/month (that's where my flute insurance money went).
|
lots of betrayal Debbie .
Quote:
My oldest eskie died (my first eskie that I had spent so many years with & did everything with when I was dealing with my really bad depression in the late 1990's)....the worst part was that his death was my fault....if I hadn't been careless it never would have happened.
|
I hope you can rewrite that one about being careless. I too have ligering horrer about my maybe causing my gilrs death.
I was not suposed to lift anyhting . I tried my best to help her out of the truck . she was weak and just sat down but got right up .
and then went over to the Holly tree.
I t kept haunting me that maybe her spine fractured ..
she died within an hour and a half at most
I know I shouldn;t think that way .. i t was so traumatic for me the whole thing..
I was so glad that I was saying good by for the two months previous because I knew she was failing .
I had some very deep talks with her about how much she meant to me and my deep love for her and how she blessed my life every day. and that I hopped she woud be with me durring my time with cancer .. I look back that she had her 14 bithday the day after I got my diagnosis,
the loss of our dogs for some of us can be greater than the loss of a dysfunctional abusive parent.
they never betray us.
Quote:
|
I am still living here 2 years later without any furniture & without my horses which was the whole purpose of moving here in the first place.....kicking myself because some of the problem was my own fault by not budgeting better than I did.
|
wel you still have a house and your horses.. thats alot to be grateful for .
maybe even more than those who took from you.
Quote:
|
The church I joined here hasn't been supportive at all....as if I was invisable.....but the other wonderful people I have met have been there even though there has been some issues to work through & turned out ok.
|
I find it hard to ask for help actually . when I called the United waay to see if I could get some help with my apartment I was speach less when the answering machine kicked in , Its not my style to need physical help. when I told my doctors my place was not in good condition for me to be having chemo they flipantly said you can get help for that.
I have made sveral phone calls and the help is not there .
I guess my idea of staring a suport group may be the only solution left .
I have high minded ideas for that one .. or is it grandious...
Quote:
|
I know that when I stop to think about my situation, that is when depression hits.
|
I think this is the key thought .. Its best not to thinik ..
Its so simplistic ..
Quote:
|
The important thing to realize however is that the past is over, the people who were mean are gone.
|
what they did in the moment is indeed past but not forgoten ,
and I do want to change it if possible .
Quote:
We need to let go of the things of the past that we can't do anything about or control how the people were or how they acted. We need to be thankful in a way that they are out of our lives so we don't have their mean spirits around us when we need to be filled with positive energy (they would only make us more unhappy than we already feel)
|
forgive them for they know not what they do ..is really great advice.
Quote:
this is a nightbird quote from one of her latest posts
It's not that easy to throw out the list of bad things from the past, but we need to cover up the list with a new positive list in the now & the future.
Fill our lives with all the positive energy we can come up with & all the positive people we find in our life now & kick out all the junk from the past.....we are now a new life & like nightbird said.....we now have a new normal & nothing else belongs in our life.
|
Thanks for remembering her sage advice. I do dwell too much on past grievences and misspercieved projections from others .
I have done my share of the above.
I do work hard on clarity.
Quote:
I wish you could find some wonderful IRL support groups where you could share your emotions with. Online is good, but there is something about the real interface that seems to help even more, so your past can start to fade into grey & blur, at least for the time you are feeling positive with the wonderful people around you.
|
thanks maybe your thoughts will have such an effect.
Quote:
but I know for me, there is nothing more wonderful than when I am snuggling with my eskies. When I get that sweet kiss on the nose just as I am going to sleep at night, knowing that their love is real unconditional love that I return just as unconditionally....it is amazing how healing that feeling is both physically & mentally.
|
yep , I agree, today I got to smooch a chocklet lab puppy as well and say hello to my clients balck lab who loves me lots.
I have been geting closer to volunteering at our no kill shelter . to tie me over till a new dog becomes clearer. I have thought about offering to pet sit this winter I did some pet sitting before I got my girl.
i wish i coud foster . but my place is not big enough and Im not home enough and I m not sure about bringing a new dog to work with me .
I do miss dogs at my side. They bring out my inner strength I feel wild and free and woodswomanly when they are around. and I love that feeling .
with out my girl the natural world is not as vivid and I miss out on little surprises she would point out.each day.
.