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VickiesPath · Sep 20, 2009 at 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lfshadow

I have been trying to motivate my adult (32 yr.old) son to find a better job/career inorder to be able to support himself and become independant. After high school he got an Associate's degree at a community college, but never did anything with this. Instead, he has always worked nights, parttime (3-4 days a wk.), cooking or bartending in local bar/restaurants. He has been living in the "rental" house next door to me for the past 13 years. He pays no rent, electric or water. I bought his car for him and pay his car insurance. When he isn't working, he is at home, alone, playing games online and drinking beer & Wild Turkey. He doesn't seem to have many, if any, friends. He has no social life. He doesn't seem to have any motivation to do anything other than what he is doing now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lfshadow

I have told him that I would pay for school if he wants to return. I have also told him ,if he can find a better job / career in a different town - anywhere - I would help him relocate, or even move with him, (although he would have is own apartment and pay his own bills then.)

I realize now that I enabled this situation, although at the time it started, about the time he started Comm. College, (1996), I felt it was a good choice. (But I wasn't in any position to make good choices at that time.) In 1996 my brother committed suicide; 6 months later my mother died from cancer, and 2 months after that my Dad committed suicide. I was very depressed and in shock for many years. This is when we moved to our current homes, and when my son lost his motivation. Then my husband of 14 yrs left me and this added to my problems. I'm sure my son suffered from depression from this all too.

Also complicating my son's mental state could be an issue with abandonment by every male influence in his life. His father left when he was 3 and has only contacted him once since then. My brother lived with us off and on for 10 yrs just before his suicide. My Dad committed suicide. My husband (my son's stepfather) left us. He had very close relationships with all of these men. And then I'm sure seeing me so depressed for so long had an impact on him too. He does not want to see a mental health counselor. What can I do as a mother to help motivate him?

Dear Ifshadow,

Something struck me as I was reading your post. I know that your mother passed away from cancer and you have also had several tragic deaths in your immediate family in the past. I am truly sorry for these losses and I hope you have found some peace in all your sorrow.

Although the depression that you describe has occurred following difficulties in the family, I can't but help wondering if mental illness doesn't run in your family. The reason I am asking is because it does run in my family.

You see, back in 1985, I was first hospitalized and diagnosed with major depression. I had another hospitalization in 1987 and they added the term "recurrent" to the diagnosis. After that second hospitalization, my mother and I began asking questions of my father's family. It just so happens that a week after I was discharged from the hospital in 1987, my father's brother committed suicide. He lived far away from us and my father hadn't been in touch with him for a long time. My mother talked a lot with my father's sisters and found out that my grandmother (my father's mother) had suffered for years from serious depression back in the 1930's, 40's and 50's. She was frequently institutionalized. Two of her brothers had killed themselves. Also, one of my father's sisters had depression all her life. And one of my cousins is schizophrenic. Now, my brother's youngest son has Touret's, is bipoler. has OCD, ADD and I can't remember what else. I was finally correctly diagnosed about 5 years ago as bipolar.

What I'm getting at is your son might have a mental illness, such as depression or bipolar depression and might be self-medicating with alcohol. Has he ever been evaluated? Would he be in favor of doing so?

If it happens that he does have depression or bipolar depression, medication could make a huge difference in his life. I think it would be worth at least finding out if he would be willing to be evaluated.