i actually saw pdoc on friday morning, and mind snap happened on friday night.

so he doesn't know anything about it. in fact, he told me how well he thought i'd been going, all things considered. so i'm doubly ashamed about what happened. im reluctant to return next week. also, it is my birthday on thursday and i feel like a loser for seeing my T on my birthday instead of going out with friends, so i'm wondering if i should cancel with austin-T also. not that i will see my friends instead, but yknow.

(((bluemoon))) - thanks for sharing your experiences with this sort of thing. i have a really hard time admitting (even to myself) that i feel rage and despair at times. usually i am able to sit with it but this time something just broke.

combination of everything you mentioned, P7, and more . i can name everything leading up to it, i guess i'm just that i reacted in the way that i did. pdoc and austin-T say how difficult it is for them to read me, because i hold everything so perfectly inside, dont show the slightest bit of emotion to anyone. i think pdoc would've dropped off his chair if he had witnessed my hysterics. ugh. gross.

anyway. thanks for your support, hey . i just feel so... i wish i could kick it under some rubbish or something and pretend it had never happened. i am mortified that i behaved in that manner. and i am confused because i'm not sure that i had any control over it to prevent it in the future. i hate not being able to problem solve .