Lately I have been going to therapy and feeling like I need to cry and cry, but I don't, I hold it all inside. Sometimes the tears will come but I don't let them flow, I swallow, and hold back really, really hard.

hangingon I've had this happen many, many times in therapy.

In session this week, just before it was over I felt like I wanted to start balling and just run out of there. The thing is, I really like my T, and she has always been very patient with me. Though sometimes I can imagine how frustrating it must get at times waiting for someone to open up and them not doing it.

My T and I have talked so much about why I can't cry in front of T. She sensed that I was frustrated at the end of some sessions, and she thought I might be disappointed in her or myself - it was more that I wouldn't allow myself to be completely open with those emotions in front of T. So don't worry that your T is frustrated, because I'm sure your T is only concerned about you being frustrated.

She doesn't push me. She is warm and kind. I just don't get it. I did all out cry one time and she was really good about it so I don't know why I hold back so hard from allowing myself to do that again. It's not like I don't trust her.

That's great that you trust your T, that's a huge step in feeling comfortable in letting go! And the fact that you already let go once, and T was there for you (that was one of the first posts I read on this board when I first joined, and I was so moved by it) - focus on what it felt like to be comforted by T, go back and read your post on that.

I realize that I can't even talk about really painful things because everytime I do, I start to feel like I am going to cry and it's like I can't handle that. Like deep down there is this fear that if I really let go, I will lose it, lose control something.

Oh, boy - can I relate to this! T would just mention exploring my feelings further, and a wave of fear would wash over me. We talked about it, I realized that it was a fear of the unknown - of what might come up for me if I were open to letting it all out, of how T would react. While T was on vacation, I did some soul-searching and I realized that for some reason, I was very afraid that T would go away, that I would lose her, if I just let go and bawled, or let whatever else come up. So I talked about this with T in our first session back - we came to the realization that I think part of me is horrible, and I don't want T to see that side of me, and I'm afraid she would see that 'ugliness' if I just let go. But then guess what happened later in that same session - I cried for the first time in front of T! And not just a little cry - a 2-tissue cry! T just kept me talking, but I did comment that it was the first time I'd needed Kleenex in there - T said, "Is it? Good for you!" and gave me a big smile. And then in my next session, I cried just a bit, enough to reach for a Kleenex. So something shifted, I think it was constantly talking to T about why I was afraid to cry in front of her, and then the realization that T isn't going anywhere, no matter what - I felt so safe, and I felt like T really took care of me. Of course, that's not to say that I still feel myself holding back on some emotions, but it's a good start. I really think you should talk to your T about your post here, and just see what you both come up with together - you never know where that might lead, but it will be healing.