This is exactly how I feel. I couldnt relax enough with a male t b/c I would sexualize our relationship and all interactions. Now, that said, I feel like you do- if could talk to a male therapist and work through my issues sexualizing my relationships with men and feel trust and safety it would be a huge step towards healing that part of me. I feel more relaxed with a female therapist, but I also feel on-edge and "on" as you put it. With a male therapist somehow I might not. Or I might. NOt sure about that. But I have mother issues in that I also look for that alter-mother to please. As far as an alter-father, I never experienced my father being terribly nurturing b/c of csa but I might feel more comfortable in that sexualized role.

OK- this even sounds confusing to me. But I am choosing/interviewing female ts ONLY b/c I had a sexual relationship with my male therapist a long time ago and I would never ever trust myself or a male therapist ever, ever again. I wonder how I would work on this in therapy with a female t. We talked about this quite a bit with my current t. But I dont feel any safer with a male therapist than I did before our conversations. I just dont blame myself as much as I did before. Maybe it would be healing to try a male t again, but Im not anywhere near that brave. I'll just stay comfortable in my avoidant coping style....