Oh my gosh, YES. I want T to like me, and it is scary to tell him things that make me sound "crazy". I just left him a message about that on Friday.

When I was first in therapy, I was constantly telling him "I'm not like this in real life". I wanted him to know that I'm basically FINE. He must have finally got sick of hearing it, because he finally responded one day "yes, I know, you tell me that ALL THE TIME"

The thing is, I need help, or I wouldn't be in therapy. I am trying really really hard to let that thought go...the thought that I don't want to seem "crazy" because I want T to like me. He will always be my T - we're not going to be friends outside of the room - and as much as I want him to like me, I also want to HEAL. That was sort of an "a-ha" moment I had recently. I KNOW he likes me, and even loves me. And I KNOW he will always be my "therapist". And I KNOW I want more than anything to heal. So, if I seem "crazy", that's because there is a crazy side of me that needs help. That's why he's there.

It's a hard thing to come to terms with, really. I am used to putting on a really good show for everyone around me - I have ALWAYS been like that, ever since I was teeny tiny and couldn't tell anyone about the abuse. It makes me feel unbelievably vulnerable to tell T about the abuse and it's effects on me. I guess I've never been this honest with anyone before.

I SO get it, angel