She cancelled. I am speechless. I had a 10 am appointment and she called me at 10 to 10 (9:50!) to tell me she had a flat tire and couldnt make it. It was probaby b/c this last t cancelled too that I panicked. I said please, is there anyway I can see you a little later? She said she is booked until 9. She sounded very apologetic and said she was at the garage and was so sorry. I tried so hard not to cry. I told her I put my daughter inschool for the day and cancelled other appts. I was on my way there. I was begging her. She was sorry. I said OK, I understand and hung up. I felt hurt, very angry and wanted to cry but no tears came. I was partially numb and partially suicidal. I thought this is REALLY and truly NOT meant to be. I should cancel all of these interviews. F**k therapy and f**k therapists. I was feeling like the world just hates me. Nothing seems to work out and I am creating my own problems.

I pulled into the back of a home depot parking lot and started to cry. Then, I got a call from my daughters high scholl principal for a meeting I have been waiting to have with him. I said "can I come now?" and he said "sure." So, with my cry-face I met with the principal. The meeting went very well. As I was walking out of the shcool, my t calls! I was wondering why she wasnt all concerned about me cancelling appts.

The call was awful for me. She was cold and tough (IMO), she said, "(my name), are you coming in next week because I cant hold open 2 appts each week for you? Maybe you want to take a break or something b/c I cant hold these appointments." I said I didnt know. She said well, you have to decide. I dont want to make the decision for you. Then she said how are you doing? I said sometimes good sometimes not so good, she said, "Well, I know you have been ambivilent (spelling?) so I want you to decide- are you still on the medication?" (I never said I was ambivilent)I said I was taking 20 mg. She said good. I asked her what she thought- if I should take a break. I wasnt really looking for her opinion, I was looking for somekind of caring, some kind of sign that she felt warmly toward me and was concerned about specifics that I am going through. I guess I was testing her. But I already knew. Its not that I dont think she cares at all. I just dont think she cares in the way I need her to care. I didnt want to hear a phone call about appointments and her schedule. It hurt me that she called about that. Words cant express how deeply it hurts. She iacts like my mother did and the feeling I had with my family all over again. She is a major trigger for me. I wanted to hear that she had some kind of concern for me. I feel deeply, deeply hurt and sad. And I just feel it, no SI, no sui. Just feelings. And it hurts like hell.

Even this t today- it is painful and she has no idea who I am and her car had a flat tire. It couldnt have been avoided. But I feel devastated. No one cares and no one ever cared. My t never really cared, she was never the t I wanted her to be for me.

Maybe she is reading this board. How would I know if she was? I must be pretty recognizable. Does anybody ever think their t's might read the boards? Whatever. I only say how I feel. And I feel lousy right now. I have no therapist and my t-hopefuls keep cancelling on me. Lonely.