In my mind, it feels like she says or does something to trigger my old traumas, so i get hurt and back off. But my t seems to think that i actually bring about the ruptures as a way to create distance whenever i begin feeling too attached to her.

It is very true that shortly after any very good connecting session, i shortly begin to feel anxious, and then i seem to get hurt by something she says or does. I know that it is terrifying to me, the thought of getting close to her and then having to say goodbye later. It's also hard for me to feel good with her because i don't feel i deserve it. I'm also afraid that if i let myself go and enjoy the connection, i will be vulnerable and then when i am not expecting it, "the other shoe will drop!" And i am afraid to believe that she cares and that our relationship means anything, for fear i will find out later it meant nothing and i will be crushed. So i fight the attachment. . .as much as i want and need it, i fight it. . .i fight it . . .i fight it.