Thank you all for your responses, sorry I didn't get back sooner. I have been in a crazy school rush. Lots to do in so little time!

To answer some of your suggestions. I did mention to my T that sometimes I feel like I want to just cry but am afraid to. She said, does it feel like if you do it will never stop. I said yes thats a big reason. She then referred me back to the time that I did let alot of tears out once and how I was able to stop. I said yeah your right about that.

Still, I haven't really let it all go yet, even then I stopped myself. She mentioned to me 2 weeks ago that when I am ready it will happen. So she is probably right about that. I did tell her in an email last week that near the end of the session I felt like I wanted to start balling and run out the door. So maybe this week we will address that some.

My dad was also abusive and would make fun of me if I cried. So I often did it alone in my room. I think he got pleasure in making me cry, he often would provoke me to. That would frustrate me so much. I remember trying hard not to cry when he would hit me so as not to give him that satisfaction but then he would hit me harder until I cried.

I think deep down that if I cry it will give my T satisfaction; the satisfaction that I am finally opening up in front of her and somehow I don't like that thought. Is that crazy or what? What's wrong with letting her feel like she is doing a good job? Maybe this is just all intertwined with not wanting to because of the way my dad made me feel. That and the I'm a big girl and I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself Which I know deep down is not true, we all need someone.