You don't know how much your encouragement means to me. The thought swirls around almost constantly and the idea of exposing all of that eye-to-eye is not good.

So I go in and tell the doc, and this goes in my record, and the label is sewn on much like those military patches. And the ppl there talk to each other about it, and family finds out, and then the notion is confirmed that those i meet will hate me. Not only did he do all those things, he now wants sympathy. he looks ok to us. He has succeeded very well. He talks about things like they don't bother him.

And on the inside ... itz not the same. not at all. Everything they see is a mask. I've perfected the mask over the years until it looks like i'm even better than normal, and now ... taking it off, isn't easy. It's like, not only am I this terrible person, but on top of that I've lied to all of you al of these years. What can you trust me about?

All of thise has been crammed into those little memory boxes for so long, the boxes
must be big enough for me to cram it back in there now. Maybe its just a matter of days to get this under control again.

i'll chek back wen i get my nerve up again. It seems like coming here makes my fingers talk about things that i don't even understand. What would it be like to see the shrink. those people want to ask about everything. No telling what I'll find out about myself, and for sure i don't want the shrink to be the first to know

I don't know. Silence has worked before. Maybe it will work again.

Please don't think my absence here is a reflection about what you've told me. I'm torn between coming here and terrorizing my self or standing alone and hunkering down, putting the barriers back up, shoving the dreams and thoughts aside, focusing on work work work.

Met a bunch of new people who are so intereseted in knowing me better. They ask questions about my life. They are intrigued and want to know more, and the whole time I'm thinking, how do i get out of this. I dopn't want them to know me better. And they really don't either if they knew what they're likely to find out.

Alone and silent ... safety in that ... alone and silent.

I've even learned to be alone in a crowd. Safety in that. Keep your eye on everyone and keep your mouth shut.

I have to stop. Can you tell me more about the kind of questions I'll be asked by the doc and the shrink? Where is that self test thing someone mentioned that helps me understand if these are symptoms of ptsd?

You know what I feel like after ranting about all of that? i feel like turning the desk over, breaking the computer, and screaming at everyone. that doesn't seem normal, does it? But, I'll turn off the computer, put on a smile, and walk into the other room like nothing at all is wrong. that doesn't seem normal, does it?

T.