Quote:
Originally Posted by hangingon
My dad was also abusive and would make fun of me if I cried. So I often did it alone in my room. I think he got pleasure in making me cry, he often would provoke me to. That would frustrate me so much. I remember trying hard not to cry when he would hit me so as not to give him that satisfaction but then he would hit me harder until I cried.
I think deep down that if I cry it will give my T satisfaction; the satisfaction that I am finally opening up in front of her and somehow I don't like that thought. Is that crazy or what? What's wrong with letting her feel like she is doing a good job? Maybe this is just all intertwined with not wanting to because of the way my dad made me feel. That and the I'm a big girl and I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself  Which I know deep down is not true, we all need someone. |
(((((hangingon)))))
The thing about giving t satisfaction if you cry sounds like such sad childhood pain. Did you tell your t what you just wrote here?
I also felt like I didnt want to cry in my house growing up so I did in my room or in my closet. I didnt want to be seen as vulnerable either. I would really "get it" if I seemed vulnerable. There was no mercy in my house either. No one cared about anyone elses feelings or had compassion.
I think it would be a really good thing to bring up. It could lead to opening up feelings about your family and father. Id like to do that too.
(((((hangingon)))) You so deserve gentleness and to be allowed to feel and express those feelings. You are a wonderful, lovable person and you always say the most compassionate and caring things to people here. It makes me angry and also sad that you were treated that way by your father.