So my T said that she wanted to do the actual EMDR today. I thought we were just doing the groundwork, but she thought I was ready to try the real thing, so why not?

First, though, we talked about my neuroses about the double session - as usual, T gave no actual answers, but we related my feelings all back to my mother, so this was a clear case of transference - I could see it as we discussed it and laid it out. Then we discussed scheduling - T thinks that a double session is better for something "special", like EMDR, but that there is a lot of benefit to shorter sessions. She actually had an evening appt. open up, only it's every other week. So we went over the pros and cons, and after we do a few more double sessions of EMDR, I'm going to see T every Monday and then every other Wednesday - I think that will work, plus it will save me a bit of money - excellent! And I was happy that T thought of me for that evening slot.

So next T had me envision my safe place, and then T moved her fingers back and forth, so we did eye movements for the safe place. I was getting distracted by the different lamps as I followed her fingers, so T turned off a lamp - that helped some, but I kept losing the image as I moved my eyes. We did that 5 or 6 times, and then we started talking again - identifying the negative belief, my rating for it, what I want the positive belief to be, what emotions I feel when I think of the negative belief, and where I feel it in my body. So then it was time to do the EMDR. I don't even know if it worked - I had images that came to me, but I couldn't tell if it was the EMDR or just my memory working. Sometimes, I was just blank, and then we'd go back to the target image and start again. One time, T stopped me, and we talked for a minute about my target memory - right as I started to get very emotional and cry, T started up the fingers again, and that time I really felt it working, I felt those bad feelings - not fun. We kept going, and I don't even know if it got better, but I really felt relaxed. T had me do a body scan as we wound down, and we targeted some anxiety that I had in my stomach. But we didn't come close to getting rid of the negative belief, or installing the positive belief. Needless to say, I was disappointed. T thinks I was anxious, and that I was anticipating - she said that's completely normal. T said it was a great first session, for me not to be concerned, that she thinks I'm the "perfect candidate for EMDR" because of this particular trauma and how I really was able to tap right into those negative emotions. T warned me that my mind will continue to process it, she said I might have thoughts, emotions, even more flashbacks happen. I'm going to note them all, and then I'll be out of town next week, so we'll discuss them over our first phone session next week. And then we're going to do another double session, entirely EMDR, in 2 weeks.

So it seems that I maybe psyched myself out a bit over this, and now I need to take some of the pressure off myself, trust T, and just let go. Easier said than done!

Oh, but I did cry - 3 times - tonight. That makes 3 sessions in a row of crying after months of not crying! So I do consider that progress, even if I didn't allow myself to completely do the 'fall apart and writhe on the floor cry'.