You don't know how much your encouragement means to me. The thought swirls around almost constantly and the idea of exposing all of that eye-to-eye is not good.
I'm glad you recognize the support you are getting here, Troy.
So I go in and tell the doc, and this goes in my record, and the label is sewn on much like those military patches. And the ppl there talk to each other about it, and family finds out, and then the notion is confirmed that those i meet will hate me. Not only did he do all those things, he now wants sympathy. he looks ok to us. He has succeeded very well. He talks about things like they don't bother him.
Ya can't scrip what is going to happen...you can beat yourself up, assume you know what's going to happen, and not give it a chance. "It" is coming clean; and there is nothing you are going to say that is that much different than what they have heard from others. Re the family? They already know there is something going on...they see the behaviors, and they see beyond the mask...that mask we think is oh so perfect that no one can see the cracks in it. We don't see the cracks; we are looking from the inside, they are looking at the cracked outside...one that is showing a helluva lot of things.They aren't fools; family or professionals.
And on the inside ... itz not the same. not at all. Everything they see is a mask. I've perfected the mask over the years until it looks like i'm even better than normal, and now ... taking it off, isn't easy. It's like, not only am I this terrible person, but on top of that I've lied to all of you al of these years. What can you trust me about?
It's not about what they trust, Troy. It's about what you trust about yourself/in yourself...
All of thise has been crammed into those little memory boxes for so long, the boxes must be big enough for me to cram it back in there now. Maybe its just a matter of days to get this under control again.
Control, out of control, control, out of control...gets tiring after awhile, doesn't it?
i'll chek back wen i get my nerve up again. It seems like coming here makes my fingers talk about things that i don't even understand.
Your fingers don't do anything except to be the method you use to write your feelings and fears...those things come from within you.
What would it be like to see the shrink. those people want to ask about everything. No telling what I'll find out about myself, and for sure i don't want the shrink to be the first to know
the shrink will be the second one...you know a lot about yourself already. their questions are not an interrogation, Troy.They are valid questions meant to help design your treatment protocol.
I don't know. Silence has worked before. Maybe it will work again.
Silence? Work again? The periods of what you define as silence have shorter times between them...don't they?
Please don't think my absence here is a reflection about what you've told me. I'm torn between coming here and terrorizing my self or standing alone and hunkering down, putting the barriers back up, shoving the dreams and thoughts aside, focusing on work work work.
It's a reflection on your being sick and tired of living like this...when you know it can and will get better. Reaching that point of acceptance is not easy, and it is not off limits to you.
Met a bunch of new people who are so intereseted in knowing me better. They ask questions about my life. They are intrigued and want to know more, and the whole time I'm thinking, how do i get out of this. I dopn't want them to know me better. And they really don't either if they knew what they're likely to find out.
...how do you know for sure, Troy? "what they are likely to find out" will be what you tell them. as an aside, we do not have to tell everyone we meet about our past events; it's a choice we make to tell or not...and it is in the past and does not need to be a true confession.
Alone and silent ... safety in that ... alone and silent.
There is no safety in denying you need help and getting it. There is more danger in remaining silent and letting it eat you up...'cause that is exactly what is happening...it's eating you up.
I've even learned to be alone in a crowd. Safety in that. Keep your eye on everyone and keep your mouth shut.
Many of us do that anyway...feel more comfortable in crowds by watching others, not because they represent danger but because they are people...interesting, boring, smiling, frowning, drinking too much, drinking nothing...
I have to stop. Can you tell me more about the kind of questions I'll be asked by the doc and the shrink? Where is that self test thing someone mentioned that helps me understand if these are symptoms of ptsd?
Troy, you have PTSD and you know it. You don't need verification from tests, questions from the professional are going to be tailored for your needs...there is no guarantee of anything except you will be taking the steps to facing your problems and doing something about them.
You know what I feel like after ranting about all of that? i feel like turning the desk over, breaking the computer, and screaming at everyone. that doesn't seem normal, does it? But, I'll turn off the computer, put on a smile, and walk into the other room like nothing at all is wrong. that doesn't seem normal, does it?
Normal isn't the word for it...try using frustration, rage, fear, disgust, please help me, WTF is going on, JC this hurts...
Masks fall off before we are aware they are gone even though we think we are still wearing them.
T.