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lynn09 · Sep 22, 2009, 12:26 AM

I don't mean to be presumptuous (((((Babysteps))))) - I know that I don't know you as well as some others here at PC do, but I would like to share a couple of things with you. I've been going through a bit of the same thing lately, but due to my past experiences with the same type of thing I know it to be the end of a chapter, not the end of the book. From time to time I close things out - things that aren't benefiting me, and things that cause me more grief than they are worth - I let them go - tear the house down to the foundation then start building again. I remember in December of 1999, I was having my third major, life-threatening allergic reaction. Not wanting to have to pay benefits for treatment of my immune-system disorder, my new insurance carrier refused to contract with any doctors or medical facilities in the area where i lived - they deliberately denied me access to emergency medical treatment. I was just lying on my back on my living room floor looking at the ceiling and I just let go of everything. I was running such high fever, had been having seizures and mini-strokes - no way could I think clearly about anything - felt like I was falling apart - I just gave up. After a few hours of lying there, I realized that I was still here - the very core and essence of my being was still intact even though I had let go of everything else. Finally, I got up, made myself a cup of tea with honey and milk - I was completely empty - no emotions, no struggle, no anger, frustration, or anxiety. A few days later when I spoke to my psych I told him that it felt like a part of me had died, and he said something very profound that I have never forgotten - he said quite simply, "Maybe it was a part that needed to die in order for you to continue to live." I thought about some people who have heart attacks - a diseased part of the heart finally dies, and afterward the rest of the heart muscles take over and compensate for the part that's missing and function quite well - no longer taxed by the part that was diseased.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now, Babysteps, but I'm hoping that what you are going through now is something similar to what I have described. Perhaps you have tried to force yourself to see things and people a certain way that wasn't realistic - perhaps it is the illusion of certain things that you must release. Please call someone for help, your doctor or T or EMS, Babysteps. Please give this a few days to see the fertile soil that is left after the fire. I know it feels like utter destruction, but perhaps it is just the prelude to greater healing. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. You can PM or e-mail me personally at any time of the day or night. Please stay with us.